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"vivid energy, never hushed, never restrained" - UCF - Environment / Why I applied


balletgirl 1 / 1  
Jan 31, 2011   #1
First of all, thank you to whoever helps me with my essay! I'm just hoping for some reviews and advice before I submit it. The prompt is:

Essay: The personal statements are a very important part of your application. They assist the university in knowing you as an individual, independent of test scores and other objective data. We ask that you respond to two of the topics below. Your personal statement should be no longer than a total of 500 words or 7000 characters for both statements combined. The best personal statements are not necessarily the longest ones.

1.If there has been some obstacle or "bump in the road," in your academic or personal life, please explain the circumstances.
2.How has your family history, culture or environment influenced who you are?
3.Why did you choose to apply to UCF?
4. What qualities or unique characteristics do you possess that would allow you to contribute to the UCF community?

I decided to write an essay combining topics 2 and 3. I don't have a title yet. My worst worry is being too off topic. Also, I realize the paragraph formation is all messed up, I just couldn't figure it out on this website. My apologies.

Essay:

A flash of light as striking as one hundred suns shattered the darkness that had engulfed the room. Before me sat infinite faces, some gleamed like stars, while the rest settled as shadows. I stood there dazed and bemused, fidgeting with the pearl lace of my fluffy cotton tutu. An obnoxiously large pink bow lay pinned in my overly hair-sprayed bun, the ribbons drifting onto my three year old face. After finishing the steps in my simple routine, I scurried offstage as the clapping of anxious parents began to cease. By the side of the stage I saw my mother, who was my teacher as well, beaming at me. In the dawn of my childhood, I was naive to the sublime beauty of dance and to how this overwhelming passion would flourish throughout my life.

My mother's own fervor of dance kindled mine, creating a unique connection shared between us. This mutual admiration of dance was apparent through our family values, while our personal lives reflected into our art as well. My style of movement exemplifies my personality, including my inherited qualities, such as my grandmother's artistic vivacity, my grandfather's inquisitive mentality, and my father's athletic ability. Although aspects of my personality are influenced by my past experiences, art offers the option to emotionally respond to life's events. Dance has remained a constant in my ever-changing life, a means to express myself through the joys and the pains. I could connect an energetic jazz dance to freedom, self-confidence, and blissful summer days, or a strenuous ballet adagio to perseverance, strength, and maintaining poise through pain. However, contemporary choreography has allowed more abstract emotions to surface. Whether reacting in anger to my parents' separation, in frustration of my financial situation, or even grief for my grandfather's death, I could somewhat relieve myself of these stresses through dance which I had been restraining otherwise. By growing up in an unstable environment, I somehow realized that through my own choices I have the potential to pursue excellence and to control the direction of my life.

The dancer defies a human's believed physical potential, her technical training a pursuit to master her art. Although dance provides a prime example for exploring physical potential, our mental potential proves to present far more majestic, prominent, and abstract abilities. With a strong education from the University of Central Florida, I can gain the capability to build upon my intellectual capacity and to pave a promising future for myself and for society. The University of Central Florida's spectacular campus creates a comfortable academic atmosphere, while its convenient location in Orlando generates much diversity. As well, the University of Central Florida's unbeatable undergraduate programs and fine art's courses are beyond appealing for eager students like me.

There exists within me a paralyzing passion for the prospective future I can achieve with an education from the University of Central Florida. Such sensations, such vivid energy is ceaseless, never hushed, never restrained to idle silence, this passion is always alive.
EF_Susan - / 2,364 12  
Feb 3, 2011   #2
I like this first sentence! I want to suggest some commas to regulate it:
A flash of light, as striking as one hundred suns, shattered the darkness that had engulfed the room. Before me sat infinite faces, some gleamed like stars, while the rest settled as shadows. ---Your way was not incorrect, but I think the reader's experience will be enhanced by commas.

And sometimes brevity is so useful... even if the meaning changes, sometimes brevity is the better way to go, like this:
I scurried offstage as the clapping of anxious parents began. to cease. "Began to cease" can make people stumble and get momentarily confused.

...creates a comfortable academic atmosphere, while its convenient location in Orlando generates much diversi ty.---This kind of content is not so helpful. It does not really help to make your case. They already know about the location. The goal is to show that you are ridiculously motivated to achieve some specific, short term goals. You are doing a great job with that! And also, the reader will see that you write with a really high level of proficiency. But I suggest chopping this stuff about the location. :-)
OP balletgirl 1 / 1  
Feb 3, 2011   #3
Thank you! I will definitely take your advice!


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