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Vixens + Japanese influence - common app essays


elenazafrul 4 / 10  
Dec 14, 2011   #1
Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).
This is the essay I drafted for the common app essay. Please comment so that I can write a better one, thanks!

Watching American movies since I was little made me wanted to join cheerleading. It amazed me how the cheerleaders can tumble and do stunts like tossing a person high up in the air. I always dreamed of being one of the persons being tossed, it's almost as if they are flying without wings.

As I entered secondary school, I found out that my school offers cheerleading as an extracurricular activity. This is actually very rare because here in Malaysia, cheerleading is not a national recognised activity. I'm glad that I auditioned for the squad and managed to land a spot as one of the flyers, the one who gets tossed high up in the air. Cheerleading is not just what I do to earn extra credit, it's my passion. I love doing the stunts, because it makes me feel special and unique as not many people can pull it off. The Vixens are not only my teammates; they are my second family also. With them, I had the opportunity to experience the best sisterhood ever. Even though I moved to a new school that does not offer cheerleading, I still keep the spirit in me, and would always pursue my passion if I have the chance.

And this is for the second essay, Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence. (250-500) Please comment for both essays, thanks!

My mother has always played a big role in my life, especially after my parents divorced. She has definitely influenced me in becoming more Japanese than Malay. Since my mother raised me as a single parent, I didn't have anyone to teach me about the Malay culture. So I was basically raised as Japanese, although according to law, I am Malay because I am tied to my father's race. My mother knew that if she were to raise me here in Malaysia, then it would be easier for me if I was raised as Malay. So she enrolled me into a local school in hopes that I would be friends with Malay kids and learn how to be Malay. However, her Japanese influence was still stuck on me. There's a Malay saying that goes 'To bend a bamboo tree you must first start from its shoots', which means that when parents want to teach something to their child, then they must start when their child is still young. Same goes for me, because my mother raised me as Japanese, I am stuck with this influence forever. I prefer eating Japanese and western cuisines rather than Malay because those were the food I ate at home. I don't even know how to cook Malay cuisines, but I know how to cook various Japanese and western dishes. I had a hard time during my first year of school because the boys used to call me names just because Malaysia was once invaded by Japan, but that experience made me appreciate my roots more and I learn to be proud of my Japanese roots.
2nubianqueens - / 1  
Dec 14, 2011   #2
I like both essays, however the second one has don't in it and you should not use that in your writing. I think you should enjoy, and have fun with your writing.
Guest /  
Dec 14, 2011   #3
For the first essay, when you mentioned watching American movies, i think you should give an example of a movie - not every movie has cheerleaders.

"It amazed me how the cheerleaders do incredible stunts like tumbling and tossing a person up high in the air. I imagined myself being tossed; it must be like flying without wings. "

you exceeded the character limit right? so if you want, you could cut off the part about cheerleading being rare in malaysia. if you still want to keep that part, try simplifying it since i don't think it's really essential to your essay.

For the second essay, um, don't you think it's too short? you have about 200+ words left, use it! and it's a bit too general, i think. and it doesn't really answer your prompt, since it talks more about being japanese, not about your mom and her influence on you. i think you should pick one experience that you have with your mom, that shows the conflict between being malay and japanese, and focus more on its impact on you. i think the real problem here is just that it's short, so if you elaborate more, then i think it would be awesome.

overall, i think both essays have great topics. essay 1 just needs to be simplified i guess. and essay 2 really needs to be worked on, put more details, more feelings maybe?

well, good luck Elena!:) and comment on my essays too, please.
OP elenazafrul 4 / 10  
Dec 14, 2011   #4
okay, thanks Elena :) I didn't know the characters limit were only 1000, I thought 1000 was the limit for words hahaha, thanks!


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