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'Volleyball companion' -Short activity essay

Dec 30, 2011   #1
Here is my activity essay..Does it give a good impression??

Eleven years ago I did not know I was starting an activity which would have been my life companion. Volleyball means a lot to me. It is not simply a pastime, but it requires energy, enthusiasm and teamwork that free my mind once I enter the gym. Serving, running, passing and smashing could be the simplest actions but they need concentration, intuition and determination; all characteristics that make me transfer to another world, where there is nothing beside the ball, the field and my team. Questions, discussions, plans are out of my mind and are not able to enter it. They start appearing to me only once finished the training, once in the car. I disengage my handbrake, start the car and once I speed up I am back to the real world.

Dec 30, 2011   #2
The last two sentences need to be reworded; they don't make sense at all. There are some grammar issues also that creates confusion. Focus on a specific experience from volleyball that has changed your characteristics or approach.
Other than the suggestions that SeniorMel gave, if you plan on using the symbol of a car and handbrake, I think you should introduce this idea earlier on the essay so that the reader will be able to create a before and after sort of thing. A clearer comparison. Try to make things clearer and maybe focus on something more specific rather than the whole picture so you have breadth and depth. Just my two cents :)
Dec 30, 2011   #4
Revised short activity essay..would you please help me??

I need to delete almost 30 words..can you please help me edit it??
Is it a strong short essay??

I feel sick. I am nervous and my stomach is turning. Six people in a 9x6 volleyball field waiting for the referee whistle. The match has started, my mind moves to another world, where there is nothing beside that yellow-blue striped ball. Serving, running, passing and smashing: we got the first point and enthusiasm begun to raise encouraged by people's applause. The emotion turns to be concentration and determination and a lot of up's and down's accompany the whole match. At the we won the most important match of the championship: we were not going to relegate anymore. It was the energy, the teamwork and the perseverance that, that day, made me feel as if I had reached a great accomplishment. I am not the best athlete ever, but volleyball makes me feel free: while my body is under physical effort my mind literally flies and gets relaxed. Volleyball is the way I express the belief I have in my instinct, the motivation and the need of help I necessitate to improve every day.
Dec 30, 2011   #5
Just curious, what is the short answer question? I really liked this essay. I don't know if I deleted enough words but I did the corrections you see here. The part with the question marks is unclear as to what is being said. Hope this helps! Check out my Lehigh Supplement :)

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