This is my transfer application essay. Thank you soooo much!
Why are you interested in the Ohio State University?
After a voluntary teaching experience in an impoverished mountain area, I understood the meaning of accepting education, for me, is sharing knowledge with others who desire it. Therefore, I see devoting myself to education as my responsibility and life goal. In order to achieve this goal, I am determined to seek a PhD in accounting, which is a perfect combination of my interests in auditing and not-for-profit organizations. Getting a quality undergraduate education is the foundation of my academic career.
Obviously, attending The Ohio State University is the first step towards my goal. As a top research university with a good reputation around the world, The Ohio State University provides rigorous education. Attending here can help me establish proper values and increase my appreciation of the world, which is the spiritual wealth for my life. Moreover, the professors' high academic achievements fascinate me, especially in auditing and not-for-profit organizations. The second-biggest alumni network also opens another door for students to pursue excellence. I do believe that following superiors is an opportunity to expand my thought. Additionally, as the biggest university in America, The Ohio State University attracts thousands of dream pursuers, which contributes to diversity and competition. Communication and studying along with others can broaden my horizon and inspire me to reach beyond myself. Also, attending the Honor Program can help me expand the scope of my knowledge.
Being a Buckeye has been my dream since I entered university. As Thomas J Mayer says, "the people who make the greatest contributions are those who share their education and their talents with something bigger than they are." I hope I can start "education for citizenship" from The Ohio State University, share my knowledge with others in the future, and finally make contributions to the world.
That intro has a determined quality to it, very impressive. The only part I don't like is here:
Getting a quality undergraduate education is the foundation of my academic career. That's a statement of the obvious! Replace it with a colorful, interesting sentence, perhaps with some action verbs, and make it a sentence that really expresses a message you want the reader to remember.
Capitalize:
As Thomas J Mayer says, "The people...
Capitalize:
I hope I can start "Education for Citizenship" from The Ohio State University, share my knowledge with others in the future, and...
Truly, this is an impressive essay. I think you did a great job. As you continue to work with this essay, try to convey your excitement about the future as you envision it to be, and get very specific as you describe your goals. The more specific your goals, the better!
