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"Is there a volunteer to go next?"; Exchange student experience in my PS for UC


zhanglunke 2 / 7  
Nov 17, 2012   #1
Prompt: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

"Is there a volunteer to go next?" A deafening silence filled the whole classroom. Again, my English teacher asked, "Who will volunteer to present their book report next?" I don't know where I gathered this courage, but I started to raise my hand. I slowly walked to the front of the classroom. As I tried to hide my anxieties I still could not keep my hands from shaking. Thoughts and concerns about my accent ran through my head. I began to introduce my book, "The Canterbury Tales." Though I had prepared for the presentation, I became incoherent. I felt anxious and helpless. Some of my classmates began to whisper to each other. My face immediately turned red and I began to sweat. All the anxieties and senses of failure rushed in my mind and I couldn't help tears busting out of my eyes. I closed my book and apologized to my class. I explained that the language barrier is no excuse. I chose to come to America, and I knew I could do better. Unexpectedly, the whole class started to clap for me, and I couldn't stop my tears. I felt so much strength, and I knew I couldn't disappoint the people who cared for me.

This is the biggest bet I've made in my life. I gave up everything in China to live with a host family in a small town in Michigan. As the only Chinese exchange student at Romeo High School, I took on many challenges by myself.

One of the biggest challenges is that I couldn't speak English fluently. "You can't just have a C in your class. We thought the exchange student program was picking out the best student for us. We expect you to do better," said my host mom when I got a C in American History and a B in English at the first marking period. If the language does not speak out for you, the only thing you can do is to put more efforts into action. I can't lose my confidence. I am the girl who was always ranked first in her classes in China. I decided to set out goals. First, no questions should be allowed to be unanswered for more than two days. I would do so by attempting to figure out the answer by myself the first day, but if I were unsuccessful in figuring out the answer myself, I would stay after school to ask my teachers until I fully understood the solutions of those questions. Second, every new word should be learned. I do so by looking up each unfamiliar word in my homework to fully comprehend the substance. After implementing my efforts for two months, I was honored as the Student of the Month in November from the Social Studies Department, and was given the Excellence in English Award at School Honors Night at the end of the school year.

When I first moved to Michigan, I did not have any friends. But coming to a new and unfamiliar environment does not stop me from contributing to my school and community. I learned about a wonderful community service organization the Key Club and became a new member to this organization. Since I was a new member, I was unable to participate in planning and coordinating the club's established programs. However, after talking to the club advisor Mrs.Forro about my previous leadership experience in China, such as planning and coordinating events for the Cultural and Entertainment Student Union in my school in China. Mrs. Forro gave me a chance to establish a new program with the Romeo Community Nursing Home. This program allowed Key Club members to visit the nursing home during holidays to play music, make crafts, and bring delicious snack. Even though some of the residents had already lost part of their hearing but they still felt the love and the joy that we had brought to them. When we were close to leave, an old lady kissed my cheek, held my hands, and requested to see us again. I am so gratified that this program continues today, even though I am not managing the program anymore. Mrs. Forro told me that they will be visiting near Thanksgiving this year.

I am very proud of my experiences last year. As an exchange student, I have learned that I have the ability to adapt to all types of surroundings, regardless of language and cultural differences. I am currently finishing my senior year at a Christian school in California. Not everything has gone smoothly for me this past year. But it seems that this bet was worth taking, and I'm all in.
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Nov 17, 2012   #2
Your introduction is so very impressive... I think it is well aligned with the prompt and gives an impressive feeling about your character and attitude. Also it is very well presented. Well done!

I would stay after school to ask my teachers until I fully understood the solutions of answers to those questions.

Second, every new word should be learnedand comprehended in detail as to when and where it needs to be used .

---------- it's not just the meaning of the word we need to learn, but its usage too... Because the appropriateness is a very important aspect of vocabulary usage

After implementing my efforts for two months, I was honored as the Student of the Month in November from the Social Studies Department, and was given the Excellence in English Award at School Honors Night at the end of the school year.

------------------ no wonder... you display excellent writing skills :)
OP zhanglunke 2 / 7  
Nov 17, 2012   #3
Thank you soo much Dumi :) ... I was worried that too many sentences started with an "I" in my essay which might bored readers...
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Nov 18, 2012   #4
Well.... You have to use ''I'' because you had to manage and handle most of the things yourself and without depending on others. So , it earns credit for you :D

But frankly, I did not feel bored reading your essay and on the contrary found it is very interesting and impressively presented. That's my genuine impression on the overall essay.

However, if you feel that too many ''I'' are used , try and replace them with ''we'' wherever possible. But I actually don't think it is necessary.


I am so gratified that this program continues today,

--------- gratified or grateful ?

As an exchange student, I have learned that I have theam now confident in my ability to adapt to all types of surroundings, regardless of language and cultural differences.

------ one '' I'' is removed :D
OP zhanglunke 2 / 7  
Nov 18, 2012   #5
haha Dumi I love your comments, which mean a lot to me. Now I am confident that I should be fine to submit this to colleges. I wish the people at admission office are as nice as you are.:) Actually Dumi if you dont mind, could you please give me some opinion on my another PS I just uploaded..I really appreciate your patient comments and those are such great encouragements for me..:)
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Nov 18, 2012   #6
:D ... I think you write quite well and like your style of writing : ) Also you seem to be a very courageous and a hardworking person. So I believe you can go a long way and happy to acknowledge that my comments were helpful to you : )

Please give me the link of the thread so that I can give my comments on it.
I wish you all the best in all your future endeavours!
OP zhanglunke 2 / 7  
Nov 18, 2012   #7
Thanks Dumi : ) Another essay's link is [Help help help for PS..:)))))thanks thanks thanks]
Since the maximum of these two UC prompts are 1000 words, I kind of wrote another one short.
t0r0sebud1 2 / 5 1  
Nov 18, 2012   #8
"I explained that the language barrier is no excuse. I chose to come to America, and I knew I could do better."
Consider using a word other than explained. Otherwise, your essay is first-rate.


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