I'm feeling that last sentence is kind of clichéd...I would love any kind of suggestion! Thank you in advance!
Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences:
The facade of Rita de Cássio Orphanage was deteriorated and there was a foul smell in the air, probably from the sewage that ran not far from there. The orphanage was located in Samambaia, one of the seventeen poverty-stricken suburbs of my city. I stepped foot inside the crumbled building with its corroded walls, alongside seven of my volunteer friends from the Sonhar Acordado non-governmental organization. Before we could blink our eyes, we were swarmed by forty-two grinning little kids. "Give us a kiss! Play with us! Did you bring candy? Do you have toys?" was all that could be heard from a crowd of motherless children, their little hands wrapped around my arms and waist. As I tried to simultaneously hand out sweets and kiss their cheeks, I smiled on the inside and was certain that there could not a better way of spending my Saturday mornings.
Not really a comment in particular about your essay but I recall that the best way of going about this essay was being quite straightforward about your activity and getting as much information about what you did, as opposed to taking a story approach to this essay.
Very good beginning, but you should tell what was your exact experience from that voluenteering. "As I tried to simultaneously hand out sweets and kiss their cheeks, I smiled on the inside and was certain that there could not a better way of spending my Saturday mornings."What did you do next to make them happy? How did they react? what were the most important experiences from that?
Answer to these questions and probably, you can have a good essay.
PS, Please check mine, too. Thank you!!!
Wish you good luck :)
s I tried to simultaneously hand out sweets and kiss their cheeks, I smiled on the inside and was certain that there could not a better way of spending my Saturday mornings.
Not cliched, it's awesome. However, you can find something more meaningful to say than the thing about Sat mornings. Instead, you can say the most profound phrase you know... the most interesting, profound phrase that has anything to do with this work. Leave the reader with a great concept to think about.
extracurricular -> NGO coordinator, help!
Hello and thanks to anyone who can help me with this extracurricular essay. I would love some feedback and comments!
Remember, you read mine and I'll definately read yours ;)
Prompt: Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences (150 words or fewer, 1000 character maximum).
I entered the deteriorated building of the Rita Orphanage for the first time four years ago as one of the volunteers of the Sonhar Acordado NGO. I was swarmed by 16 playful children and since that day, a sense of fulfillment floods me every time I go there. Consummated by such feeling, I soon became one of the six coordinators of the NGO. I am in charge of organizing instructive activities for the children of the Rita, one of the six orphanages that the NGO works with. I have also twice helped producing a major event for more than 500 kids that Sonhar organizes every Christmas. My relationship with the kids developed my interpersonal skills and taught me that all you require to help those who need most is will, generosity and a ear to listen. That is something I shall carry throughout my life and profession.
I need urgent help, folks! Thanks again!
Let's move that comma:
I was swarmed by sixteen playful children, and since that day a sense of fulfillment has floode d me every time I go there. Consummated Consumed by such feeling, I soon became one of the six ...
... more than 500 children that Sonhar ...
Let's name it something.. "memory":
That is something a memory I shall carry throughout my life and profession.
This is very good! thanks for being such a great person and improving the world.
Thank you very much!
