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I volunteered at a daycare center/ SYRACUSE SUP/ Experience


nayelojello 5 / 37 2  
Dec 29, 2012   #1
3: If you have had work experience, what skills and/or knowledge did you gain?

One of my work experiences was when I volunteered at a daycare center. As I volunteered at the center, I learned so much from the children that I worked with. The things that these children made me realize was that I have to be brave and a risk taker. When the children tasted vegetables for the first time and rode their their bikes for the first time they exposed themselves to new adventures. They exposed themselves to new adventures because they did not doubt themselves . The fact that they were brave enough to not doubt their abilities, inspired me to not doubt myself. I had always doubted whether or not I have the ability to take up a challenge. however with their inspiration I decided to take up a challenge. One of the challenges that I decided to take up was AP literature. Knowing that english is my weakest subject I knew that I was up for a challenge, it was a new adventure because I was not exposed to college writing before. However I am grateful that I decided to stay in my Ap english class because now I grew a fond of classical literature and traveling to Europe to fully understand literature. When I arrive to Syracuse University I will not hesitate to take a literature class and study abroad.
vallh6018 1 / 8 1  
Dec 29, 2012   #2
You might want to change the last 2 sentences, they're a bit awkwardly mixed in and the part about traveling abroad confused me
You used the word "doubt" and "challenge" a lot - you might want to mix it up a bit thesaurus.com/browse/challenge?s=t thesaurus.com/browse/doubted?s=t
OP nayelojello 5 / 37 2  
Dec 29, 2012   #3
okay thanks sooo much, I think I will take out the study abroad. It is a bit confusing.
OP nayelojello 5 / 37 2  
Dec 29, 2012   #4
I know that there is alot of repetition in the word " challenge" I can't think of any words to substitute.
0livegreen 5 / 11 4  
Dec 29, 2012   #5
challenge
synonyms:
trial, task, test, contest, experiment, encounter, dare, defy
OP nayelojello 5 / 37 2  
Dec 29, 2012   #6
Why Hamilton?

Junior year of high school, one of my work experiences was when I volunteered at a daycare center,I learned so much from the toddlers that I worked with. When the children tasted vegetables and rode their their bikes for the first time they exposed themselves to new adventures. They exposed themselves to new adventures because they did not doubt themselves,they were fearless.Children made me realize that I have to be brave and be a risk taker.Taking risks and being brave would mean that I would be fearless and therefore help me grow as an individual mind and lead me into the real-world. The fact that they were brave enough to not doubt their abilities, inspired me. I had always doubted whether or not I have the ability to take up a challenge;however, with their inspiration I decided to take up a quest. One of the challenges that I decided to take up was AP literature during my senior year. Knowing that English is my weakest subject I knew that I was up for a"dare", it was a new adventure because I was not exposed to college writing before. However I am grateful that I decided to stay in my AP English class because now I've grown a fond of classical literature. I believe that Hamilton will stimulate me intellectually and mentally with rigorous classes like British and American Drama, yet provide me with a variety of courses that I will enjoy taking with no core requirements . With the challenge and open curriculum that Hamilton has to offer, I will have the ability to adapt to new surroundings and succeed in a real-world setting.
gymnast9195 2 / 7 1  
Dec 29, 2012   #7
You focus more on your work experience and challenging yourself, rather than pointing out why Hamilton is the school for you. Try to maintain the focus on the school throughout and it will be much better! Mentioning the school a bit earlier might help you as well!

Good luck! :)
OP nayelojello 5 / 37 2  
Dec 29, 2012   #8
okay, sooo I will edit my essay and include why i want to go to hamilton early in my essay.
OP nayelojello 5 / 37 2  
Dec 29, 2012   #9
are the highlighted words some of the words that I need to change up ?! Is there anything I should add?!
runnerb 2 / 5  
Dec 30, 2012   #10
the AP Lit class has nothing to do about the question. Take that part out. They dont want to see it. Expand more on your work experience, you barely touch on it. Help me with mine too! Im applying to Syracuse as well.
OP nayelojello 5 / 37 2  
Dec 30, 2012   #11
so like, should I take out the ap english and what should I expand on my work experience. Please be specific.
luying9682 6 / 35 6  
Dec 30, 2012   #12
Hello, nayelojello
I agree with gymnast9195. You should focus on more on the school, as the prompt is "Why Hamilton", but not "Why you stayed in AP English course". And maybe your work experience does not help here, because it seems irrelevant to me. I think I understand that you want Hamilton know more about you, because there is no supplement for writing about the candidate himself/ herself.

Thank you for your feedback to my essay. Good luck! I hope we can meet each other on campus the next year!
OP nayelojello 5 / 37 2  
Dec 30, 2012   #13
okay, thank you, I will edit it and then post the new revised paragraph. I hope so. Although it is a challenging school . I feel like my sat scores are not good enough
gmichski /  
Dec 31, 2012   #14
I would try rewording the opening sentence. You don't have to blatantly restate the question, especially in the opening sentence.
OP nayelojello 5 / 37 2  
Dec 31, 2012   #15
okay thanks how would I start the opening sentence?!


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