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" volunteered in a kindergarten" - Common Application short essay


catherineding 3 / 8  
Oct 18, 2009   #1
This is my short essay for Comon Application. I am not pretty sure my point is clear. :(
Welcome any comment!

At the end of my sophomore year, I volunteered in a kindergarten for children with autism. Although I learned that the optimum way to call their attentions is to yell out demands, the feeling of guilty of shouting at such a lovely girl still overwhelmed me. "It is hard to do so, but it is a nice way to connect with her." little girl's mother whispered to me when I decided to surrender to "the wall" between the girl and me. "Life is a climb, but the view is great." The mother chose a new view to see the obstacle and managed to overcome it. Why shouldn't I? After thousands of trying, I finally successfully communicated with the girl and even taught her to run after me, though still through yelling. However, it is true that scenes and even difficulty can be fascinating if I change my points of view.

I want to say that I have learned from that mother who overcame the obstacle due to her change in her views. And her obstacle contains two parts. One is her girl's illness and the other is her compulsory yelling at her girl. For me, my obstacles are to be accustomed to yelling at the little girl and ones I may meet in the future.

THX for everyone!
ayida365 7 / 33  
Oct 18, 2009   #2
It's a wonderful work.
Although I learned that the optimum way to call their attentions is to yell out demands, the feeling of guilty of shouting at such a lovely girl still overwhelmed me

This sentence sounds a little strange, because at first the object is "children", but at last it turns out to be a girl. It may drive reader at first sight mistake it as an error. How does this gir come out? It seems is a little incoherent.

I want to say that I have learned from that mother "I I want to say that "is wordy. You can just say what you want to say, because people will understand you even if you don't make emphasis like that.
OP catherineding 3 / 8  
Oct 18, 2009   #3
Thank you so much! How about "Although I learned that the optimum way to call their attentions is to yell out demands, the feeling of guilty of shouting at a girl of them still overwhelmed me."?

By the way "I want to say that I have ..." are not my essay content. ^_^
ayida365 7 / 33  
Oct 18, 2009   #4
Oh...Gee, I thought that the last paragraph is part of your essay...Sorry.
The new sentence sounds great.
metrostars25 2 / 18  
Oct 18, 2009   #5
what colleges is this essay for
OP catherineding 3 / 8  
Oct 18, 2009   #6
It is for all colleges that use Common Application.
anniebiotic 4 / 8  
Oct 18, 2009   #7
I am pretty confused after reading this...
first of all, what is the topic you're supposed to be writing on?
second, i like the metaphor with the wall, but im not so sure i understand it completely.
also, how exaclty did you finally communicate with her effectively? did you yell or use another method?
ariel0812 1 / 2  
Oct 19, 2009   #8
First of all, I think you need to find a focus on your essay. What is the topic of your essay anyway? you need to post on before your essay so at least we can figure out what you missed.
EF_Stephen - / 264  
Oct 19, 2009   #9
The second effort is much better. this is another case where reading it out loud will point you to difficult places. Try that and see if it helps.
OP catherineding 3 / 8  
Oct 19, 2009   #10
EF_Stephen

You're right! Reading it out loud sounds awkward! Sometimes just feel not fluent enough.I am gonna to revise it again! Thank you so much!


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