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'volunteering in the Cardiology Clinic' - COMMON APP SHORT


Shereen 1 / 5  
Dec 27, 2011   #1
Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum):

When I was younger I savoured my summer days making sure I spent each and every day doing something I couldn't do during the school year.But as I got older I started to get the urge to go out and do something productive.I loved going to work with my father in the hospital, so as soon as I was old enough to volunteer there I sent in all the necessary paper work and awaited a phone call from the Volunteering Office.When I finally got it I learned that I was to be volunteering in the Cardiology Clinic.My supervisor took me under her wing and taught me everything I needed to know. She refused to let my days be filled with endless filing and paperwork so she taught me about devices used to monitor the heart and what they show.She took me with her to see patients and explained to me their unfortunate heart defects and how to go about treating them.I spent two summers there and each was just as productive and rewarding as the last.

What do you think?
makman09 9 / 86  
Dec 27, 2011   #2
What is the prompt?
OP Shereen 1 / 5  
Dec 27, 2011   #3
oh sorry i forgot to put it its:Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).
makman09 9 / 86  
Dec 27, 2011   #4
The essay has good intentions, but I think the point of the essay is to show your reflection on it. How did that activity appealed to you. Did it impact you. You're giving a chronological order of what happened from applying to what you did. Maybe elaborate more about your interaction with the patients because I'm interested in that.
RiceAllTheWhey 3 / 16  
Dec 27, 2011   #5
The essay seems pretty standard; it describes what you did at the clinic. I don't think it will help your chances, but it doesn't hurt it either.

I agree with he previous guy in that if you want this essay to stand out, you need to bring in some unique emotions that express your interest. Remember, these essays should illustrate your character.

Review my common app main essay?
babygurl2012 4 / 15  
Dec 27, 2011   #6
More elaboration will do the trick. Talk about a specific impact in order to outline the significance of the experience. Your ideas are good and volunteering always helps on any college app!
its_spacely - / 13  
Dec 28, 2011   #7
You probably want to put spaces after a fullstop, and make sure you've got capitals on every "I".

My alarm goes off its 8 in the morning

Possibly change this to: My alarm goes off - it's 8 in the morning (or possibly 8 AM if you want to cut characters) and I'm rushing to get into the shower.

Overall the rest is to the point but maybe add some connecting words to help with the flow of things, so you're not always starting a sentence with I did this etc.
OP Shereen 1 / 5  
Dec 28, 2011   #8
oh thanks you for your feedback :)
pr3tinpink1 - / 2  
Dec 31, 2011   #9
HI :)

here goes:
Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).

My alarm goes off -its 8 AM and I'm rushing to get into the shower.To my mother's amazement I am up early on a bright summer day.It was my first day of volunteering at my local hospital and I was really anxious to see what department I would be placed in. I was placed in the Cardiology Department and was sent to the third floor to begin my day.My first day was uneventful but as weeks went by I got to know everyone better,but I became especially close to my supervisor.She took me under her wings and taught me about heart defects and about devices that are used to monitor the heart.I learned something new everyday as I talked to patients and learned about their unfortunate conditions.Soon I was the first volunteer to show up at the clinic and the last one to leave.The two summers spent at the clinic were each as rewarding as the other.
pinkcheetah 2 / 13  
Dec 31, 2011   #10
My alarm goes off.-itsIt's 8 AM and I'm rushing to get into the shower.

but I became especially close to my supervisor.She took me under her wings

I would change "but" because it seems to imply contrast. Maybe "and" or "...everyone better, becoming especially..."

about heart defects and about devices

I learned something new everyday as I talked to patients and learned about their unfortunate conditions.

I don't think you should use the word unfortunate as it sounds very negative and a little harsh.

The two summers spent at the clinic were each as rewarding as the other.

This sentence really confuses me. I'm not sure which two summers you're talking about or what the other is. I'd add a little clarification.

I'd really appreciate it if you could help me with my essay,too (see below). Thanks!
dychung7 7 / 19  
Dec 31, 2011   #11
Go in more depth with the last sentence. WHY was this experience rewarding? I know there is 1000 character limit but try to squeeze it in there. Maybe eliminate the first few sentences about you waking up.
omo5031 8 / 33  
Jan 1, 2012   #12
This one is sooooo much better than the first one. Its captivating and shows what you did while at the clinic, however you still need to show how it influenced you. The significance of the experience. Its a good essay.

Good luck
Can you please help with my Johns Hopkins supplement essay. thanks in advance:)
pr3tinpink1 - / 2  
Jan 1, 2012   #13
thank you guys for your feeedback.
i added a sentence to the end but im not sure i feel as if its a bit cheesy!
but here it is : The two summers I spent not only made me more knowledgeable about heart defects/diseases but also made me appreciate my health more than ever.

i will definitely get on helping you guys with your essays.


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