Hi everyone, I'm currently applying for UBC. The deadline is Dec. 10 (oops). Here are my two short essays
Tell us about an experience, in school or out, that caused you to rethink or change your perspective. What impact has this had on you? (maximum 200 words)
I arrived at the pool for my first day of volunteering, not expecting anything I haven't dealt with before. There was bound to be some kids who were already great at swimming, and on the other side of the spectrum, kids who were afraid to go in the water. Having to teach an autistic child, however, was something I did not expect.
I didn't know what to do. Of course, I'd encountered other autistic children before, including at school, and sometimes I felt sorry for them. The boy, Frank, didn't look me in eye or listen to me, and his mother had warned me that he might run away without warning. I was worried.
The other children played and practiced floating. Frank hung on to the edge of the pool and blew bubbles in the water by himself. I called his name and he perked up, and sure enough, without warning, he took off swimming. Not wading or floating, but swimming.
That day, I learned that just because someone has special needs, it doesn't necessarily mean that they're inferior. Since then, I've been volunteering to help other special needs children at the pool. Seeing their accomplishments is always very rewarding.
My main concern for this one is the conclusion: it's very cliche, but I maxed out the word limit. If there's anything I can make more concise in the essay and if you can suggest a better conclusion, I'd appreciate it.
Explain how you responded to a significant challenge that you have encountered and what you learned in the process. (maximum 200 words)
Exam time: everyone who has been to school had gone through it. At the end of last year, the stress build-up nearly got the better of me.
I had written many tests before and I've been able to get through then just fine. However, chemistry and biology AP exams, a biology contest, and a physics final crammed together made for quite a load. There were days when I didn't go outside or get enough sleep. The realization that I had retained only a fraction of what I read the day before was a jolt for me. I was demotivated, and I knew it was not the way to go.
I went to my teachers for suggestions. One suggestion was that in order to stay motivated, I need to reward myself. I set up a system for myself where if I finish a chapter, then go outside or play games for an hour. The anticipation was enough to motivate me. I also learned from my biology teacher the importance of sleep and how it helps memory, and began to sleep better. It worked great. By learning how to tackle stress, I believe I'm better prepared for an undoubtedly stressful adult life.
Please give me feedback for both of these pieces. I've maxed the limit on both essays, so if there's anything I can cut but still allow it to retain the overall message, please let me know.
Hello David, I hope this helps...
Although I am in no condition to correct your grammar(I am international) I think I can help you with your conclusion.
The word inferior can give a wrong impression; to the reader it feels like you already had a biased perspective towards autistic children. I would remove it.
"That day, I learned that just because someone has special needs, it doesn't necessarily mean that they're inferior."
I would probably write something like:"I was surprised to discover that I had misjudged Frank. In such way , I learned never to underestimate someone for his/her disabilities."
To make your essay shorter you can change, for example, this sentence:"There was bound to be some kids who were already great at swimming, and on the other side of the spectrum, kids who were afraid to go in the water"
to something like "I expected to find either kids who were already good at swimming or kids who were afraid to go in the water."This example cuts 8 words.
Finally, even though contractions make your essay shorter, you should not use them for your essays unless they are part of a dialogue. Admissions officers do not consider them formal.
But I like your essay, specially the focus you use. It gives a positive impression about you. Good job!
