St Johns Essay
Topic : Topic of your own choice
250 words
In a world where everyone is observed under a microscope, we strive to do that which is beneficial to us while avoiding criticism. However, when it comes to the circumstances of others, seldom are we concerned enough to help out of our goodwill. It is when we help others that we are truly benefiting ourselves. I was ignorant of this aspect as a child. It wasn't until high school that I matured. Joining Midwood Lacrosse, one of our requirements was to volunteer and help the community by cleaning. Although I had matured, I didn't feel like putting a hundred percent into this daycare during a Saturday morning. Walking into the daycare, I noticed it was a mess. Papers were everywhere, and chairs were scattered. Overall, the rooms were chaotic. By the looks of the place, I could not believe how children could even enjoy their time there. Upon entering, my team and I were already put to work. When I met the workers, I realized how motivated they were in ensuring that the place would be clean. It didn't seem like I was being "put to work" Instead, I was making it a priority that these kids came to a clean daycare. We swept, shined, wiped, threw out garbage and cleaned the elevator. After volunteering four more times, my team and I left the daycare spotless. The following day we were greeted by the eyes of each grateful child. I felt my time spent at the daycare was well worth.
In formal essay writing, avoid using contractions. Didn't -> Did not.
But, overall, strong essay! I liked the standpoint you took and your vocabulary is concise
It is when we help others that we are truly benefiting ourselves. I was ignorant of this aspect as a child. It wasn't until high school that I matured. (Right here, add a THESIS STATEMENT that expresses, in a single sentence, the main message of the essay. Then, end the first paragraph).
Paragraph 2 begins:
Joining Midwood Lacrosse, one of our...-------But I see that this is not a good topic sentence for the paragraph. So... Start paragraph 2 like this:
(Write a sentence about how Lacrosse is significant to the main message of the essay, which you expressed in the thesis statement). Joining Midwood Lacrosse, one of our...
I hope this is clear for you to understand! I am suggesting that you should
1.) Do a paragraph break where I indicated.
2.) Add a sentence to the end of para #1
3.) Add a TOPIC SENTENCE to the beginning of paragraph 2.
(Google TOPIC SENTENCE to review the way a topic sentence establishes the main idea of a paragraph.)
I think it would be a good idea to divide this essay into 3 paragraphs.
:-)
