Elaborate on a extracurricular activity in 150 words
Please help with grammar and critique this. thank you
Volunteering at the hospital in my town taught me responsibility, working skills, and how to interact with patients, staff, and visitors of the hospital. I participated in a six hour orientation on aspects of hospital work to start. I experienced hands on learning and quickly familiarized myself with the hospital setting. My main work areas were at the reception desk and Coffee Shop. At the reception desk I found myself greeting visitors, giving out directions, and telling outgoing patients goodbye. During In the Coffee Shop I cooked food, washed the dishes, and worked the cash register .I was asked to replace a fellow junior volunteer many times. This gave me the chance to work on the nurse's floor and the cancer center (H.O.P.E). Although there were not any children when I volunteered there, the patients' kind attitudes influenced me to set my career goal in Oncology, to help children.
Well first of all I'd like to say that I'm not the best person to critique essays because I'm not sure my writing is very good, but I'll do my best to help. Also, I'm in the middle of writing this exact same essay at the moment.
But here are a few of my suggestions:
-I think that your first sentance is a little to long and just lacks an overall sense of excitement. It's not bad, just cut a little out and make it a little less "cookie-cutter" like.
-The main part of your paragraph seems to be a little bit to blunt. I realize this is what the prompt asks for, but I just think that you should make it a little more in depth with maybe the emotions or atmosphere of the hospital and how you feel; not just concrete details of exactly what you're doing.
-There is a space between the word register and it's period
-Maybe combine these two sentances into:
"I was asked to replace a fellow junior volunteer many times, giving me a chance to work on the nurse's floor and the cancer center (H.O.P.E)."
If you don't my suggestions feel free to ignore them, I could be wrong on some things; I'm in the same position as you.
Thanks! that's great
I think it is unnecessary to write your essay in past tense. Because you are volunteering and will keep volunteering, i hope, so this experience has given you several lessons so far.
I like to share my experience with you. dear nikky, you should not use past sentence overally. you can say, " it will give me an opportunity to communicate with people with different background ".
Also, seprate your reasons by different paragrafe.
