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Undergraduate   Posts: 4

'Volunteering at the hospital, pediatrician' - UC Personal Statement: community


mshalavadi  
Nov 17, 2009   #1
Prompt 1: Describe the world you come from ï for example, your family, community or school ï and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Going to a public school and interacting with friends, communication has become a big part of my life. Talking with friends, I learned about high school students being able to volunteer at the Huntington Hospital in close vicinity. Taking the bus there every Friday and volunteering for two hours every week for 3 years now has helped me define who I am as a person. It has also made me realize that there are endless opportunities to help anyone in the world at our age. Be it the kids in Africa suffering from AIDS, children in India suffering from poverty, or at our very own home in Los Angeles.

When you serve for the community or society, you forget everything: your status, your materialism, and where you come from. I think that we are all equal and we should all help someone because in the end we are able to say we helped someone who really needed it and the difference it made in their lives gives us pleasure and satisfaction to our character to some extent. It feels good when I think that I am helping the community, which has provided me with a safe place to be, opportunities around the corner, with a good school environment where teenagers have a goal in life, and where everyone cares about each other. I remember when I use to live in New York, six years ago and I was in elementary school I was not able to connect with the people. Moving to California and transitioning into high school has enabled me to change myself, and overcome the barrier of shyness, which has really shaped me as a person today.

Volunteering at the hospital has been a convenience of mass communication as I get to interact with different age ranges. At the hospital, I have been able to try different tasks, from feeding newborn babies to escorting senior patients to delivering flowers. The world has provided many of us with opportunities to be able to do what we would like to. Contributing to the community is what I see as one of my future goals. Dr.Modi serves as my inspiration as I realize that not everyone is fortunate and when we have the capability in our hands to help those who need it we should. One of long term goals is to serve the community by treating patients who are less fortunate. I want to help those in need without expecting anything in return. I think University of California would be the right place for me in achieving my goals and dreams of becoming a pediatrician or family medicine doctor.

Please edit the first draft of my UC prompt #1. Any grammar mistakes, organization, structure, ideas would be greatly appreciated! Be honest!

Thanks

Mayada  
Nov 17, 2009   #2
Be it the kids in Africa suffering from AIDS, children in India suffering from poverty, or at our very own home in Los Angeles.

"Be it"?? is that the right phrase?

your materialism

I don't think materialism is the best word..

when I use

used

to connect with the people

connect or communicate? or to socialize?

and transitioning into high school

I dunno, transitioning doesn't sound right to me...

which has really shaped me as a person today.

Hmm, you said that phrase twice.. Apart from it being a cliché, you gotta say it's either the bus ride or moving to Cali is what shaped you, or of course, you can say neither..

has been a convenience of mass communication

I didn't get it..

I think University of California would be the right place for me in achieving my goals and dreams of becoming a pediatrician or family medicine doctor.

not the best ending..

Do you "feel" your essay whenever you read it? You have to make sure that the readers will "feel" your essay.. as our English teacher says, it has to have a hook, too.. You have to write it in a more attractive way..

Another thing, I'm not sure if I'm right or wrong, maybe other members will tell u if I am or not, but isn't it irrelevant, or a "relevant wannabe"? You keep mentioning my world and all, but the whole topic is about community service.. but that's just me..
OP mshalavadi  
Nov 18, 2009   #3
Thanks for your input. It really helped me out.

I was using 1 particular community service event to show my world which includes the community as I have done a lot of community service events. How should I improve this? What type of an experience/incident should I use at the beginning of the prompt to create a hook?
EF_Kevin [Contributor] 129  
Nov 19, 2009   #4
Going to school and interacting with friends does not really set you apart from anyone! Yes, you need that narrative hook.

I think you should talk about "one" instead of "you" for example: When one serves the community...she or he..

That first para has a sentence that starts with going, and oe that starts with taking, and later you start a sentence with "moving." This is a good form for a sentence, but not if you overuse it. In that first para, consider changing the sentence that starts with Taking the bus...

Add a thesis sentence to the end of that first para. It should answer the prompt clearly in a single sentence, stating just exactly what this world has shaped you into! :-)


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