taught me motives.
This part is unclear to me.
The first few sentences are not that good. They work against you and you should be making it work for you. Don't demean your extracurricular.
I think I understand what Jeffery means, but actually it is not necessarily true. It is not demeaning, and referring to the simplicity was an important part of this distinct description. However there DEFINITELY is wisdom in what Jeffery said. In general, I agree, but in this case I really like your presentation.
However, Jeffery's idea made me reconsider, and I am thinking it might be possible to use an intro that is even better. You can still keep the same idea while beginning this essay with the most intriguing sentence you know! (ha ha, unless the most intriguing sentence you know is inappropriate!). I also want to mention that this essay shows a really high level of writing.