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'The Vow and Gator Nation' - meaningful accomplishment UF ADMISSION ESSAY

hartensteinb 1 / -  
Oct 19, 2012   #1
Essay Topic
In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your family, your school or community activities, or your involvement in areas outside of school.

Please be brutal and help me correct any punctuation or grammar issues.

The world stopped spinning and my heart sank as my father opened the door and stumbled inside. Tears streamed from his sullen eyes as he broke the stifling silence and uttered the words, "stage two oral cancer." This unexpected diagnosis mercilessly turned my family's life upside down four years ago. I witnessed my father's strength dwindle and the man I had never seen shed a single tear, cried profusely, pleading to live long enough to witness his four children graduate. Grief consumed him until he declared that his will to live was powerful enough to overcome anything, even cancer.

In the movie The Vow, the opening lines are, "Life's all about moments of impact, and how they change our lives forever. My theory is that these moments of impact, that these flashes of reality that turn us upside down, change us." This quote portrays that everyone experiences hardship and loss, but ultimately these moments are meaningless if wisdom and self-growth are not obtained. My father's diagnosis indisputably shaped my character and altered how I view the world. As I acknowledged the possibility that my father may not always be around, I developed a sense of responsibility and independence. I began working full time to alleviate stress from my family while progressively challenging myself academically to discover my full potential. My intrinsic motivation and genuine love of working propelled me to exceed my boundaries and surpass expectations. I vowed each day to wake up a better person than I was the day before and chose to utilize each new day as an investment in my future. I swore to set my expectations high and to fully devote myself towards accomplishing any goal in my sights.

Ironically, the time I spent by my father's bedside proved to be the most influential and transformative. As I witnessed the compassion the hospital staff exhibited towards a mere stranger, I also observed how their knowledge saved my father's life. Upon this recognition, I began to comprehend the essential asset of academics and was further inspired to pursue a career in the medical field. An unquenchable passion lit within me and begged for a life dedicated to saving lives and instilling hope in others.

While visiting the University of Florida, I was immersed in the beauty of towering oaks and majestic brick buildings encompassing the campus. Knowing I was at such a prestigious university and amidst the nation's most motivated and intellectually innovative student body is what endeared to this institution. The admiration I developed for these students assured my boundless pride and loyalty to become part of the notorious Gator Nation. The contributions I aspire to enrich the University of Florida with are infinite. However, my sheer devotion and passion to learn, ability to overcome any feat, and tenacious spirit are among my highest attributes which will prove beneficial to the university. My goal is set and my eyes are on you UF, so I hope you are ready for me.
elton_lou44 2 / 2  
Nov 10, 2012   #2
I really liked the showing part of the essay, There may have been times of telling, which may detract from the sophistication of your essay as a whole, but if you could fix the telling to showing, your essay will definitely be top-notch. There are some big words that you use that don't really fit the context and usage so take those out. I really liked your connection between your father ail to your wanting to pursue a medical career. Great job and good luck!

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