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a voyage to a hill tribe village - on Comm App short essay.

Rno 1 / 1  
Oct 19, 2008   #1
Hi, I'm a new member to this forum and I was just wondering whether or not it'd be possible to receive feedback for my following essay. Any input is greatly appreciated :).

Prompt: Elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience) [150 words max]

Recently, a voyage to a hill tribe village in the mountainous region of Northern Thailand helped me ameliorate the lives of unfortunate Thai children. Highly underprivileged, these children live a life of sustenance. From the youngest age, they help cultivate the surrounding land. As part of a team, I helped construct a playground for these children so that they may also enjoy the pleasures of childhood. Over the course of a week, I contributed to evening the land, solidifying foundations, assembling play sets and painting the playground. It was an incredibly rewarding experience because I discovered firsthand the joys small deeds of kindness can bestow. Observing the children's smiles of contentment convinced me that I have the potential of making a difference in this world. As a steward of this opportunity, I wish to continue giving back to the community for years to come.

word count: 144

Thanks for helping!
EF_Team5 - / 1,586  
Oct 19, 2008   #2
You have a great example here, and a good response to the prompt. You don't give too many unnecessary details, but instead just enough to illustrate your reasoning. I found very few mechanical errors, so overall it looks like a good essay.
OP Rno 1 / 1  
Oct 20, 2008   #3
Thanks for your feedback! Have a good day :).

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