"I waged war against myself. Every part of my being was considered as inferior, a shade of musty dusk in a barrel of sanguine sunflowers. Torn and ripped was my shield as I trudged through the trampled path of Life while the people I considered my superiors waited on the other side of the spiked fence that I could not cross. Adolescence struck me hard and peer pressure raided into my ramshackle mind, but no one knew I was on the other side. I watched longingly at others with their riches and velvet locks and thought how hapless I am with my stout nose and ordinary means. I was far from looking like those people. I was an ugly duckling.
But I could not hide in my shadow forever. I soon learned how to foster my innate power to reason and how to use it to reclaim the rightful sense of my mind; this time, I wasn't alone. Once I cut down the fence of defense, those people on the other side stretched out their hands and welcomed me on board, occasionally tipping off some stories of how they themselves crossed over. See yourself the way you want to be seen, they told me. Though I am still the girl with the stout nose and limited resources, the demeanor of myself has changed. I have learned to have more confidence in myself. Now, as people often describe me, I have risen like a lotus amidst the stagnant water and am embracing company of those people who are no longer my superiors but my friends. I was my own worst enemy and I, with the support of friends and family, have overcome the obstacles and achieved victory. Just like William Hastie stated, difficulties do not always end in defeat and once defeated, they are all the more worthwhile because of the struggles faced."
I was trying to show how I've overcome low self-esteem. Did that message get across? The word limit is 300 words. and right now I have 312. Can you help me shorten it? And please check my grammar, clarity, anything. My friend told me to emphasize more on the "Difficulty" since it's the topic. Can you give me any advice on how to? The dealine's soon so PLEASE PLEASE HELP. :( Thanks in advance!
Just my two cents, you have used a lot of metaphors. 'Once I cut down the fences'...I think the question is how you did it. You did not show how you 'cut down the fences'. Did you think to yourself that you had nothing to lose? Did you get some advice from a counselor? The action, which is the question itself, is most important to be seen.
Can you point of some metaphors that I should cut out? Like the ones that won't affect the essay if cut? If I do that then I'll have more space to emphasize on the difficulties like I should. Right now, i'm kind of over the word limit.
Some of them are:
, a shade of musty dusk in a barrel of sanguine sunflowers.
Now, as people often describe me, I have risen like a lotus amidst the stagnant water and am embracing company of those people who are no longer my superiors but my friends.[
There are many others...simplify it a bit.
The hing is you should try not to be redundant and repeating the same idea. Metaphors are usually strong in a novel when used a lot of time due to off course and because they make the graphic ideas more vivid. Use them a little to add some emotion but not a lot or hard ones. I don't know what sanguine flowers are or whether they are stored in a barrel. I'd have to refer back to a dictionary often.
Good luck on your essay and application. :p
