hello,
if anyone could point out the mistakes, faults, and other corrections on my essay it would be really helpful!!
prompt # 2 :
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. what about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
A cold breeze dashed across my face as I ran past several of my competitors. Amazingly enough, I managed to pass by each of them and saw the finish line up ahead.
"How do you feel? Does it hurt right now?" my mom interrupted.
My eyes snapped open as I got up into a sitting position on the hospital bed. I rubbed my eyes to clear out the crust and glanced left and right, but there was no trace of any of the competitors. Then strangely enough I mumbled, "All for good," over and over to answer her.
As soon as I attempted to shift my legs in an effort to get off the bed, a sudden burst of throbbing pain spread from my left knee throughout my body, and memories from the past rushed into my thoughts.
For years, doctors advised me that resting my knee would be a better treatment than risking a surgery that has a low success rate. As this surgery included the insertion of artificial needles into the ligaments to puncture the bone partially and thus forcing the body to increase blood supply into the knee. This surgery has low success rate because the body may not respond even with excessive bleeding in the bone and could lead to much more severe blood loss and puncture the knee completely. Fearing such a surgery, I was forced to become a malingerer to alleviate the pain. But lying in the bed as a helpless person was the last thing I wanted to do because, until the complication with my knee, I relished outdoor activities such as running and golf, but now I would have to relinquish these activities and remain laid up at home.
The wait never seemed to end; I waited for months after months in vain for a complete recovery. Finally, with no significant improvement after two years, I became dejected, lost hope in recovery and began grumbling under my breath regarding my misfortune. In response to this pessimism, my father simply responded, "All for good." At first I did not value his brief response, but after recollecting flashes of previous awful events, I began to realize how each and every single unpleasant event in my past had turned out to be beneficial. After recalling this series of thoughts and by comprehending the meaning of my dad's message, my confidence rebounded and I decided to take the risk and have the surgery.
All these memories drifted through my head as I sat on the hospital bed after the surgery. But I quickly became tense because I still did not know if it had been successful or not. At that moment, the doctor approached me and said, "The surgery was successful, but you will not be able to walk right away. But after two to three months on crutches you should be able to walk and run normally."A smile spread across my face as I heard him. I was able to push through the adversity that I faced and was even able to fight my fear and met the surgery head on.
This is a fantastic essay with a great impact on the reader--I felt as though I were the one in the hospital bed, feeling the pain you were feeling. What I do suggest, however, is eliminating the extra information about the surgery itself. Focus more on how this experience really relates to you and how it makes you proud. You mentioned that you were able to push through the adversity in your very last sentence. Explain how you overcoming this adversity made you proud and how it realtes to the person you are. It seemed to me that you were implying that you were a racer. Tie this idea back into your essay at the end.
Hi!
So far, you have not answered the question of "What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?"
I think that your ending should be a direct answer to this question. You should say that you went through the surgery. Then add a sentence or two about the result. Most importantly explain why you are proud you went through this surgery and what you can accomplish now (assuming you had good results). Add in sentences about how you have changed in the eyes of others and how this has shaped who you are now. Note any changes in your personality from before. Maybe you were a little sullen a little drawn back, but after the surgery you have gained confidence? Include that sort of change.
Lastly, I think you should make the first part of your essay shorter because it's taking a while to get to the point of what your experience was and how it made you proud. I think that the answer to the question should be the biggest part of your essay.
I hope that helped!
[I hope you don't mind helping me with my essay too. Thank you!]
