Can someone proofread my essay and give me some feedback? I also posted another essay called "Moving". I'm still debating on which essay to use. Any suggestions would be appreciated. Thanks :)
Prompt: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
I watched as jubilant students slammed their lockers and strolled out into the parking lot. It was a typical Friday afternoon. I eagerly looked forward to my upcoming weekend plans also, but all my thoughts ceased when I received an alarming phone call from my mother. My grandmother was in critical condition and close to dying. My brother and I immediately returned home to find bags scattered on the floor. Without a moment to clarify what was happening, my mother uttered to us, "Pack your belongings quickly, we're going to Canada."
The ten hour ride there never seemed so prolonged. Countless emotions ran through my mind; anger, distress, and grief. I was angry at myself for not taking the chance to tell her how much she truly meant to me and how I took for granted all the time we spent together. The words that were left unsaid brought forth a feeling of remorse. And suddenly, it hit me. I sobbed silently to myself when I realized that I might need to face the departure of a loved one. The thought of losing a loved one filled me with an unbearable feeling of grief. I wasn't ready to let her go.
My anxiety grew as we opened the door to the hospital room. My heart tugged at the sight of my grandmother. Her right arm was wrapped with a cast; while her left arm was covered with a cloth, both as a result of a perilous fall. Her gaunt figure made her seem hardly recognizable. It saddened me to see the weakened state she had fallen to. I held back my tears and asked her how she had been doing. I was met with the same gentle eyes I looked into for the past sixteen years, but they lacked the luster they'd had. She seemed frustrated and fatigued now. I didn't blame her though. Her mundane routine had become a difficult challenge she had to face every day. She replied with a nod and a smile, but I knew she wasn't fine.
As we left for the night, the doctor immediately called us back in panic. Something had gone terribly wrong. All of us rushed back to the hospital room to find my grandmother breathing heavily and abnormally. My body completely froze on the spot. I wasn't prepared for what would happen. I watched as she fought the inevitable struggle against death. It was all so sudden that I was unable to grasp the situation. I watched in disbelief as everyone broke down. And suddenly it hit me. What I kept inside came out as a desperate cry. With tears streaming down my face, I heard myself calling my grandmother and repeatedly telling her not to go. I realized I had never held onto something so strongly until that very moment. I reminded myself that I must cherish and seize every moment that I have, so I won't have any regrets.
I spent the following day by her side. As I held her hand, I sensed the coldness from her body and I realized how fragile it had become. Every second it felt like she was fighting to live. I cherished every moment I spent with my grandmother even more. That moment I realized the importance of holding onto things that we love and never letting go of them, not even for a second. When I held her hand firmly, I thought I supported her, but I was mistaken. She was the one giving me strength.
Even at the pinnacle of her life, my grandmother had the strength to persevere for the sake of spending more time with her family. Her determination allowed her to ultimately accomplish her goal: To live. This profound experience gave me a new, enlightened perspective in life. I've started to appreciate what I took for granted even more. Her willpower has inspired me to always persist even in difficult situations. It made me realize that opportunities are not always in reach and that it is we, ourselves, who must pave our own path and grasp every opportunity attainable. We must take the initiative to diligently strive for and treasure each opportunity, so we don't have any regrets. The future may hold many uncertainties, but we should appreciate what we have today because it is irreplaceable. I know my efforts will not be wasted as long as I continue to persist. I will turn each obstacle into an opportunity to strengthen myself. This experience has strengthened my desire to contribute to society with my acquired knowledge. To accomplish my goal, I will grasp every opportunity no matter how intricate it may be and give it my absolute all.
At the beginning, I think that you used strong adjectives that don't quite fit like: "fervently looked forward to:, "my thoughts ceased", "ten hour ride never seemed so prolonged", "gaunt figure". They are sophisticated/powerful words, however they seem like they were just plugged into shift F7 if you know what I mean. Try using the same strength of a word that fits a little better. Other than that, I like it.
I was met with the same gentle eyes I looked into for sixteen years of my life, but they lacked the luster they'd had.
Her mundane routine had become a difficult challenge she had to face every day .
We must take the initiative to diligently strive for and treasure each opportunity, so we don't have any regrets
Many people pass up a chance to do this when the task seems too burdensome.
Good essay!
:)
Kevin
Thank you guys! And CTToner1123 thanks for pointing that out, it does seem a bit awkwardly worded, I'll be sure to look at that again. More constructive criticism would be great! :)
