Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).
"WAKE up, your liaison is here" yield my host mom and disturbed my dream on lovely Sunday, It was time to go to volunteer with other exchange students and serve lunch to homeless people. My opinion was "people become poor or homeless because they are just lazy". I was thinking it will be waste of time to volunteer to serve food and was not happy about it, but it was matter of time."I lost my family and my home." these words were uttered to me by a beggar with dilated eyes looking to get his lunch. He was young and nonthreatening, so I offered him a cup of coffee and a listening ear. Limping along, Anthony followed me to the empty table. Tales of death, loneliness, heroin addiction and despair soon followed. It seemed unfathomable that such a young man, only five years older than I at the time, had experienced such a lifetime of hardships. He lifted his jeans, revealing the reason for his limp: an infected, fetid leg caused by his constant injection of heroin. Anthony's physical and emotional pain was tangible. His light-green eyes evoked nothing more than sadness. A strange uneasiness ensued after my encounter with Anthony. The devastating sight that I beheld first hand that day served as a catalyst for change in my life. Something had to be done; like Anthony's homelessness, my newly found passion for aiding unfortunate people continued to blossom. From that moment I am taking any opportunities that allow me to help people who need it.
It suppose to be 1000 characters but it is about 1400, please help to make it shorter.
And is it written good ?
Any grammar mistakes?
Thank you :)
Well, they say: "Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences". Your essay seems like a personal essay rather than a short answer. Instead of describing the beggar, who the adcom certainly doesn't care about, you should put "yourself" into your essay. Show the reader your passion, your accomplishments and your responsibilities...
I know you want to make the essay more interesting, but in my opinion, you should answer the question first.
You are a good writer, anyway.
"Something had to be done, my newly found passion for aiding unfortunate people continued to blossom." ? when did it begin, at the beginning it seemed like the passion wasn't there
"Something had to be done and I knew I could help. My newly found passion for aiding unfortunate people continued tothereby blossomed ."
read mine :)
cut down on the part where you say you're not sympathetic.And focus on one incident of Anthony's life. And help me with mine!!!
Is it still not short enough? Please help my with my essays too!
