Unanswered [2] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 7

UC Prompt #1 - "can I walk the walk?"


kMz 2 / 7  
Nov 27, 2008   #1
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

My essay contains 968 words at the moment and I am having trouble cutting it down to 500-600 words. Please help me cut out anything that is unnecessary to make my essay more concise, while still thoroughly answering the prompt.

Any comments/feedback regarding the content and effectively covering all aspects of the prompt would be very much appreciated as well. Thanks in advance!

Where do I come from? Even now, I have trouble answering that question. The world I come from can be described as a whirlwind of family, emotion, love, respect, and culture. I've always believed that the environment is what determines and shapes one's personalities and qualities, both good and bad. The influence my family has had on me provided the foundation to my life and has shaped me into the teenager I am today and the man I will become.

My world, my environment-made up of the family and friends that love me and care for me-has shaped me into who I am today and what I might become in the future. Even though my mom used to get angry with me very often, she always did it for my good. Whenever I watched TV or chatted with friends online without completing my homework, my mother would tell me to do my homework first then do other things. Slowly, I rebelled less and I would finish what's most important first without anyone telling me to do so. My dad has also had a great impact on me. He is one of the most hardworking, diligent people I've ever met, always working with one thing in mind: to support our family. My family is a low income family and, of course, times have been harsh where we had to cut down on certain luxuries but even during those times we were happy. My parents taught me to be hardworking, diligent, tolerant, and patient. With the help of these qualities that I now possess, I will continue to pursue my dream and down the career pathway linking me and who I strive to become.

But this ultimately leads to the question: Sure I can talk the talk about achieving my dreams and aspirations, but can I walk the walk? In essence, school teaches us worthwhile concepts and how to talk the talk. But that isn't enough. Somewhere in between graduating and achieving success in a fulfilling job, we need to learn to walk the walk. My passion for business and all of its characteristics was triggered as soon as I started working at my dad's café my freshman year, and I work there to this day. With my new register/waiter positions came new responsibilities and my dad's high expectations. Not only did I get proficient with handling money and balancing trays, but I also progressively learned about the various functions "behind the scenes" that kept the café thriving: managing employees, balancing money, marketing assorted menu items, and bringing new, innovative ideas to the table. Not to mention, I learned how to cook the most scrumptious omelet I have ever tasted!

There is nothing like the thrill of seeing the satisfaction on customers' faces when they take that first bite, or counting up the money earned at the end of each day, to light the fire under an aspiring businessman like myself. But simply being a lucrative top executive isn't enough for me. I need to feel that my work has the potential to have an impact on the way people live. My aim is to start putting to work the body of information I acquired in high school and college so that I can apply my knowledge to essential business innovations and make leaps and bounds in the corporate world.

However, as each day passes by, I hear it again and again. I hear the criticism; I hear the degrading remarks; I hear the negative feedback. Many people tell me that I have no skills and that my life is a waste. Others tell me that I am an over-achiever; they tell me that I will never accomplish my goals. They set limitations on my life, but I am out to prove these skeptics wrong. I hold in my hands the vision of my future, and there's not a soul on this earth who can take that away from me. But now the questions must be addressed. How do I know the vision I have for myself will become reality? How can I be so positive that things will go as expected?

Preparation is clearly one of the most important fundamentals of making a vision come alive. Preparation is simply identifying what is needed in reaching that goal. I know that in order to achieve my goals, I must first figure out a way to accomplish them. Once I have prepared, and learned what I must do in order to achieve, I must execute; I must go and do exactly what I prepared for. The third fundamental that is essential in turning a vision, my vision, into reality is the ability to overcome obstacles. Obstacles are there for our strength and growth, and every successful person has had to overcome obstacles. I know that obstacles will come, yet I have made the decision to not let them get in the way of my vision. I recognize obstacles will stand in my way, and to the extent that I can overcome these obstacles my vision will become a reality.

At seventeen years, I am armed and ready for the next challenges in my life, and am posed to rid any self-doubts. My eyes are open; my windshield has been defrosted. I no longer compare myself to others, but to the expectations I harbor within me. My heart beats with strength and vigor. I look forward to each new day and making the most of the many opportunities that I have been granted. I have a vision and I have a plan. I know that through preparation, execution, and overcoming obstacles I can turn my vision to reality. The ancient Chinese proverb puts it best, "The poorest man is not he without a cent; it is he without a vision."

OP kMz 2 / 7  
Nov 28, 2008   #2
Help please! :( The deadline is this Sunday and I am hoping to submit it by today.
mrl 2 / 5  
Nov 28, 2008   #3
Maybe just trim down the part about walking the walk and that section.
Not so many rhetorical questions. And the 5th paragraph is kind of negative, so I don't know if its necessary or just reword it. You dont need to state people have called you "wate of life" or overachiever.

That end quote is perfect. great job overall! I definitely got a sense of who you are.
mrl 2 / 5  
Nov 28, 2008   #4
pleaseee review mine now!
saviorknights 1 / 5  
Nov 28, 2008   #5
Oh NICE! THANK YOU for answering the "describe your world" part so clearly, it makes my life so much easier.

"family and friends that love me and care for me" -> family and friends who love and care for me. Oh wait, this entire sentence is excessive because you just said the exact same thing in the sentence right above this one.

"get angry with me very often" You can use the thesaurus, which also cuts down on a few words.

Okay, your second paragraph is long and excessive. You don't have to put in chatting or TV because that's not really significant in any way (everyone does it!). Just put something like, my mom is like a personal trainer for my work ethic because she helps me ensure that all of my homework and duties are completed. Yeah, don't use that exact sentence. Yeah, we know that all people with one thing on their minds are hardworking because that's the only thing they work for, so you can just say something like: Because my dad spends so much effort to support our family, I feel the raw energy that he expels, which inspires me to put just as much effort in doing what I need to do. Oh yeah, don't just tell me that your dad impacted you, SHOW me.

"times have been harsh where we had to cut down on certain luxuries" Yeah, everyone knows that low-income families have to cut down on luxuries. So that's excessive.

The last sentence in this paragraph is practically identical to the one in your intro.

"can I walk the walk?" PLEASE don't use any cliche phrases. "how to talk the talk" Yeah, no. Okay really, stop using that. And who's "we"?

"business and all of its characteristics was" The second you say "and," the subject becomes compound, so it's "were," not "was".

"get proficient" -> become proficient

"I hear it again and again. I hear the criticism; I hear the degrading remarks; I hear the negative feedback. " Lots of unnecessary "I hear"'s... I hear you already! Addition of colon after the second "again" helps.

"and there's not a soul on this earth who can take that away from me." This is cliche and makes you sound like a raving, obsessive madman.

"But now the questions must be addressed." Don't need it.

"How do I know the vision I have for myself will become reality? How can I be so positive that things will go as expected?" Rhetorical questions are good, but 1-2 per essay, tops.

Second-last paragraph? Totally unnecessary. Scrap it. The entire thing can be condensed into: I'm prepping right now and overcoming obstacles, which will let me achieve my dream. Which you kinda said earlier. 968-156 (in this paragraph alone!!)=812 words already!

"and am posed to rid any self-doubts." The "am" is not necessary.
"My eyes are open; my windshield has been defrosted." Yeah, that too.
"My heart beats with strength and vigor." Yeah, that's enough describing yourself.

"I look forward to each new day and making the most of the many opportunities that I have been granted. I have a vision and I have a plan. I know that through preparation, execution, and overcoming obstacles I can turn my vision to reality." Condense that, choose what is important! You can make that into one sentence!

Ending proverbial phrase is a bit obscure...

Your main problem is connecting your world with your dream. It's there, but it's TOTALLY overshadowed by that huge description of how much or how determined you are to make your dream come true. The UC prompt asks you to explain HOW your world connects to your dream, so that part should be the deepest part of your essay, not how much you want to achieve your aspiration.

I would greatly appreciate it if you would give me some feedback about my essay too!

Good luck!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,337 129  
Nov 28, 2008   #6
Great, essays always get better as you shorten them. They become more compact and concentrated. You are a good writer, and it can only get better by taking words out. Some words can be taken out by changing sentences. For example:

I hear it again and again--the criticism, the degrading remarks, the negative feedback. Some people tell me that I have insufficient skill, while others tell me that I am a perfectionist who will never accomplish his goals. People set limitations on my life, but I am out to prove these skeptics wrong. I hold in my hands the vision of my future, and there's not a soul on this earth who can take that away from me. But how do I know the vision I have for myself will become reality? How can I be so positive that things will go as expected?

Good luck!!!
OP kMz 2 / 7  
Nov 28, 2008   #7
Thank you for your input, EF_Kevin.

Any other comments/advice would be appreciated! =)


Home / Undergraduate / UC Prompt #1 - "can I walk the walk?"