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Walking around the top observation deck of the Eiffel Tower in Paris, I realized my dream


Karen219 1 / 1  
Nov 21, 2014   #1
Discuss an accomplishment or event that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood.

It was walking around the top observation deck of the Eiffel Tower in Paris, when I realized my dreams. In that moment I acknowledged that I was one of many beings surrounded by people all over the world. In an instant, this moment changed my perspective on how I felt about the world. Although I can't describe it thoroughly, my dreams became tangible. My potential fueled my ambition and the impact I could have on others. At the age of fifteen, I matured, driven by my new mindset. I comprehended that I was a global citizen, and every day since...I realize I have a great deal going for me. The passion within me is from the world around me and the immensity of what I have to offer a world in need. I am captivated with my future, and everything that I do now is for the benefit of my goals. Traveling overseas has been the greatest event of my life, and it has initiated a great step of independence within myself, my family, and community.

When I was fifteen, the opportunity of traveling with People to People Ambassador Programs presented itself. This occasion is not given to many people from my town. I live in McAllen, Texas, a region where opportunities are scarce. Living in America's "most impoverished" region, and ranked amongst the "less educated" cities in America, are rankings that, for an instant, have led me to believe that I may not be "good enough". I am of Hispanic ethnicity and I was born permanently blind from my left eye due to glaucoma. I recognize the limited opportunities such as poverty, discrimination, and barriers of physical disabilities that I am exposed to, and yet through all of this I hagve prevailed. Although tags are branded to the region that provides my education, and I may not see the world as others see it, this only fuels my desire to succeed all the more.

Coming from a complacent family, my parents were always satisfied what I had achieved. It was I who believed I could attain that which lay beyond my reach. I desired more than what was expected of me, and it is that which has led me to where I am today. Having traveled for three straight summers, I learned that being surrounded by people of various ethnicities gave me such an indescribable feeling, encouraging me to do things greater than myself. It is being in an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar people that drives me to know everyone's "story". I wish to mature and be globally interconnected and experience as much of the world as possible. My experiences abroad gave me the opportunity to reflect on certain fears and confidences I possess. Immersing myself in a different way of life as well as helping me grow as a person has equipped me with the skills to adapt to different situations.

A strong desire to do more for the world and my own community has served as a driving force in my leadership role as McAllen High School's Interact President. An organization of 175 members is motivated by its passion to give back to the community. The skills I have learned abroad have helped me lead this organization. Meeting new people overseas gave me a new sense of humility and compassion towards others and resulted in my desire to make a change. My dreams of helping those in need have fed my desire to become a defender of the innocent and a voice for the underrepresented as a criminal defense lawyer.

It is my journey of discovery which revealed a new realm of thought and possibility for myself. Traveling abroad molded me into the person I am today, compassionate, diligent, and determined to leave my mark on humanity.
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Nov 21, 2014   #2
Karen, this does not sound like an accomplishment essay because it does not truly mark a transition to adulthood on your part. Participating in this program may have been the fulfillment of your dreams and a representation of what you can accomplish in life but because the rest of the essay dealt with other topics other than this particular, life changing event, it became more of an accomplishment than a transition essay. This essay is not about your dreams or ambitions. It is not about realizing your potential for the future either. This essay is meant to discuss an event in your life that made you a more mature and responsible individual. The essay that you chose to deliver does not represent that.

Revise the essay to tell the story of something important in your life that led to a more mature outlook or understanding of yourself and the world around you. The topics could include the responsibility that you had to take on after the death of a leading family member, a tradition such as a Quinceneara or Bar Mitzvah, or a certain family tradition that is performed by members of the family as a certain age to mark their acceptance into the family as an adult.

I am not saying that you wrote a bad essay, I am saying that you wrote a good essay that answers a different prompt. Keep this essay for now. I may come in handy in the future when you have to answer a common app essay that is more aligned with this theme :-)
OP Karen219 1 / 1  
Nov 24, 2014   #3
I understand everything fully and i appreciate your feedback, but the prompt addresses "discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood with your family, friends, or community". Traveling was not an accomplishment in my life, but it was an event that helped me mature and that my turning point in life. Does that make sense? The dictionary meaning of event, is a thing that happens. So does that change your perspective on my essay or do you still feel the same towards it? i just wanted to clarify that and ask for your feedback again.
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Nov 24, 2014   #4
Karen, you have to understand that this event only marked a change in perspective. It did not represent a total move into adulthood for you. The move into adulthood would have been better represented had you chosen to discuss your opinion changing experiences while in Paris instead of opting to discuss your background. the community you come from and your blindness in one eye are all human interest stories that belong in a separate and highly different prompt The existence of those tales in your essay are what changed the direction of your writing. Try to rewrite the essay from a "global citizen" perspective, using the travel experience, the interaction with Parisians, learning about world cultures and how it relates to your development as a person in order to better mark a transitory event and experience. While the essay prompt seems to be asking you to discuss one or the other, the truth is that you cannot write about an experience without writing about an event. In this case, it would your realization of being a global person (event) in relation to the eye opening adventures (experience) you had in Paris. We can spin it to adhere to the prompt since that is the story that you want to use for this essay :-)


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