Hello everyone!
This is my first try in writing a common app essay. I am thinking it either will fall under "Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you." or "Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence." But I have still not decided. Any feedback would be awesome; I am applying to some very selective schools, so don't go easy on me! I have a few particulars I would like you to look for: 1) Does the language get overly wordy? 2) Is there a clear voice/personality? 3) Does the piece ever come off as overly cheesy? and 4) Is the ending too abrupt?
Thank you so much! I will be editing some pieces I see one here, but if you would like me to edit yours just write it in the comment; I would be happy to!
Walking Barefoot
My father is not the walking type. I have met him only a handful of times, but he has a frank way of making it known that the last place you will find him is moseying through a park. So when he smiled, passing his house for a third time, commencing yet another mile loop, I knew it was not because he shared my love of the outdoors. No, we shared something far more dangerous: a competitive drive.
Before we had begun our seemingly endless circling of his block, I had advocated the pleasure of walking barefoot. He wanted me to prove it. And so there I was nearly an hour later, feet blistered from the cement set afire by the Georgia sun. Still, I returned his smile and upped the ante, adding a laugh. We walked on.
If the Irish saying is right and "you don't really know someone until you've lived with them," then I did not know my father until the summer I was sixteen. In the years preceding, I had always felt connected to him only by blood while separated by culture and time spent apart. When he had visited me, the conversation was strained. Silent minutes felt like hours. Therefore it shocked my mom when I decided to spend my summer drenched in the condensation of his home deep down south.
The first few days were rocky. It seemed as though my father valued his rank in online virtual golf more than getting to know me, his daughter. We did not go to the zoo, because my father slept until three in the afternoon. I ate meals alone, because he preferred midnight hotdogs to sit down dinners. I had made the trip to Georgia to sit on the couch and read Girl: Interrupted 15 times.
There were no life-altering incidents or lightning strikes that suddenly opened our eyes, bringing my father and me together. But the little things - daily conversations, trips to the grocery store - began chipping the ice that had for so long stood between us. A new side of my father was revealed. Qualities he possessed became apparent that I not only admired but also strived to emulate. Intelligence, independence, and strong willpower did not fit into the couch potato profile I had associated with my father but rather with the spirit of a man who had spent his youth fighting the discrimination and predetermined limits that came from being an African American of the 60s. With my curiosity alight, I forced my father into storytelling; he exposed the struggles faced going to school during the first years of integration in his small Mississippi hometown.
I was inspired by the hard work and determination that paved the road of my father's youth, but realized that somewhere along his journey he had settled. Instead of walking further, he had planted himself on his couch saying, "Good enough!" And those two words make my father my antithesis. For though I also pave my road to success with hard work and determination, I refuse to stop walking when life gets "good enough," even if it means walking barefoot.1) Does the language get overly wordy? Nope!
2) Is there a clear voice/personality? Definitely. The essay really shows readers who you are.
3) Does the piece ever come off as overly cheesy? I don't think so. It feels very genuine and "real" to me.
4) Is the ending too abrupt? Personally, I love the ending and how you tied it back to the start. The whole essay just flows really well.
A couple grammatical errors:
bringing my father and I together.
he exposed the struggles he faced going to school during the first years of integration in his small Mississippi hometown.
Overally, this was a really great essay! Good luck with admission!
My! I definitely liked your piece. I agree with Karina's verdict . I must disagree though on the " my father and I " part. I believe the "me" is grammatically correct. On the whole, it was a delightful read. And thanks for the advice you lent me.
