Hi guys, this is my first essay in common app, please read it and let me know how you feel about it, what can you see about me after reading it.
Before coming to Colorado as an exchange student, never had I thought walking would be a suffering. In the coldness of the winter, I walked from home to bus station at 6 a.m, helplessness accompanying me through a mile-long way. I felt cars passed me like the wind. "I'm a foreigner, and nobody would offer me a ride in this seemingly endless mountainous path.
As winter approaching, fickle weather, rugged path and randomly appeared wild animals reminded me how dangerous walking in the darkness would be; problem will never be solved if I just wait for an answer. Screwing up courage, one day, I stopped a car and asked the driver for a ride embarrassedly. Surprisingly, she invited me to the car so enthusiastically. Just by asking, the severe problem was solved easily. It was my passiveness that resulted in my wrong judgment on others' attitude to me. The active exchange proved to be important for my easy life. Now, I could actively to fit in a new situation and made improvement in life.
What I'm concerned as following:
1. I felt my essay described a lot of negative attitude and thoughts, would this be appropriate for application?
2. Personally I think my essay might be a bit too narrative but not vivid and alive. Will you feel the same way?
3. Most of all, what can you tell about me after reading my essay? What you discovered about me after reading it?
Thanks for helping! I really appreciate!
Hi :) I just read your essay. I think it is good, but needs some improvement. You had to walk a mile to the bus station every day, why? was it for school? I wonder the purpose of your walking because, if for example you are walking to school, then you could revolve the essay around your determination to reach your goal of going to school and getting good grades. It is ok to mention how alone you felt, and how the difficult journey took a toll on your confidence. Try to not be so negative, so explain what happened, but turn it to positive thoughts by halfway through your essay. I think that you could improve on the description of your situation. Also, it worries me a bit that you'd ask a random stranger for a ride, because that may make you appear to have bad judgement. So, I'd change the way you explain that scenario- say that the lady stopped and offered you a ride, and by her kind words you could tell that she meant no harm and was being a good Samaritan. I'd like to hear more about how this woman's kindness affected you, and made you realize some things about yourself. Nice work so far, also, continue to work on your grammar. Good luck in school. :)
Thank you fristly, but see here's the problem. My entire essay was trying to express that I shifted from passively waitting others for help to actively asking others for help. The point is to express my attitude toward things has changed. But if I add too much trival detials, first the character will be limited ( forget to tell that it's 1000 characters only), and it will not be the meaning I'm trying to say... Please say something more.
Hola,
Your essay shows the hard work and effort that you put into it.
The last sentence in your essay can be rephrased as " Now, I can adapt myself to new situations and make improvements in my life ".
Hope that helps a little bit.
I have corrected your essay below. Your essay reads well; however, the flow of ideas could use a bit of work. I think you should made focus on point such as expanding the first paragraph. Question: Is this essay for the portion in which you briefly mention one of your activities?
Prior to coming to Colorado as an foreign exchange student, never I thought walking would be a hassle. During the coldest point of fall, I would often times find myself walking to the bus station at 6 a.m, and a feeling of helplessness accompany me through this mile-long walk. Each car that passed me, threw a strong gust of wind at me. I felt like I was enduring a hurricane or another natural disaster. I looked to these cars saying "I'm a foreigner, and nobody would offer me a ride in this seemingly endless mountainous path.
As winter slowly approach, fickle weather, rugged path and wild animals randomly appeared reminding me how dangerous walking in the darkness was; a problem that would never be solved if I just waited for an answer. Screwing up courage, one day, I stopped a car and asked the driver for a ride embarrassingly. Surprisingly, she invited me to the car so enthusiastically. Just by asking, the severe problem was solved easily.
It was my passiveness that resulted in my wrong judgment on others' attitude to me. The active exchange proved to be important for my easy life. Now, I could actively to fit in a new situation and made improvement in life.
Thanks for reading it:) good luck to youïź
I read your essay . The story is good but not complete. Dig out something more and be aware of grammar mistakes.
Question: Is this essay for the portion in which you briefly mention one of your activities?
Yes this is the one, question as following: Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).
Thank you for revising it for me. As I mentioned above, the point is to express my attitude toward things has changed, from passively waitting for help to actively taking actions... Is it lacking of depth? Please offers more suggestions!
The direction of this essay is not doing this. I understand you do not have a lot of space to spell it all out: however, you need to get rid of some of the excess details and talk specifically on your point. Briefly talk about how you hate walking... You coming to the conclusion that you must take action.... Then conclude you essay tying the two aspect together. In your conclusion the reader should get a vivid picture of your point. When you are done with that, please repost it or notice me with the new thread.
Ok I'll rewrite it with your advice. thank you. but how can I notice you with this? I'm new at this web..
I am too, I guess you can email it to me at diabate.1994@gmail.com
