The prompt is what are five interesting or unqiue things about yourself.
The word limit is 250, and I am over by 10! So, please tell don't tell me to add more! I just want your opinions!
"A wannabe millionaire, tuba enthusiast, and car fanatic, I may be one of the most interesting combination of qualities and interests that has graced the face of this Earth. Not really of course, as I don't want to get too arrogant about myself. I don't know where my humble side of personality comes from, but I feel that being arrogant is a sin in someway or form. Now I shall write this little self-reflection paragraph on five, actually four because I gave one above, "unique" things about myself. People are very skeptical when I tell them this, but I never missed a day of school in my life. No, I didn't plan to receive a perfect attendance award year after year. And, I actually enjoy going to school. I'd rather be in school all day then aimlessly stare at four walls of my room for hours. While attending school, I acquired a hobby I really liked. I started playing tuba in 6th grade and I loved it so much that I asked my parents to buy me one. In return, I made the District Band every year, and I have to say it's the best clunk of metal I own, other than my car. This one is a cliché but I aspire to be a millionaire before the age of thirty. I believe that I can accomplish this through the use of a savings account I opened when I was only sixteen. The last one is unique because out of millions of college students, I'm not a college student yet."
Also, I feel like I get off track towards the end...How should I replace "This one is a cliché but ..."? and tell me if my facts are interesting or not!
You started with a quotation mark but theirs only 1!!
Your facts are good and interesting and I think you should leave the cliche in their!!It sounds good!!
Some deletions, no need for "about myself" after too arrogant!!
Good short answer!!Good Luck!! respond on mine if you have the time please!
The quotation mark was to enclose the whole essay ! haha and thank you for the feedback!
I will respond on yours!
As the above person mentioned, there's only one quotation mark and I was a bit confused when I started reading it. Also, am not sure the quote serves much. If anything, it takes away from what you want to accomplish. It's a space filler. I say this because I am unsure about the sentence about your quote: What does that mean? Are you trying to be flippant, funny, sarcastic? What is the point of your quote? So fix that for sure. I do wish there was some sort of a count in the form of: The first thing that is unique about me is that... From my perspective, it got a bit confusing reading your passage. I had to re-read your paragraph to understand what what the point of what you're writing; to find what were the 5 things unique about you.
I would say your paragraph lacks focus. Just go back, and ask yourself, "What are the 5 unique things about myself and why you chose them as unique?". Just keep it clean and direct and you should be good!!
Good luck!!!!
I would say this AGAIN The quotation mark is NOT part of the essay. -_____-
I wannabe a? millionaire. You need more reasoning (and try to not come off as greedy) for why you want to "be a millionaire before the age of thirty". More specifics of how you will achieve this (not specifically, but things like "with hard work and determination, etc, etc, etc").
Now I shall write this little self-reflection paragraph on five, actually four because I gave one above.... I dont think you really need this but you can reword it to make it more effective.
While attending school, (I acquired a hobby I really liked.) I started playing tuba in 6th grade and ...i would suggest removing that in red
The last one is unique because out of millions of college students, I'm not a college student yet... this part seemed confusing
I think if you want to shorten it then you should take out the whole beginning.
You can shorten the beginning easily.
Put something like, "Everyone wants to be a millionaire, but my reasons are different. I think that I can help others in need."
That shortens it more than 6 words.
I don't know if it's better though.
I didn't want to be generic so I used " "I wannabe a millionaire," is a tune for my life "to make it catchy.
In my opinion, that just makes your level of writing sound pretty basic. You have to keep in mind that the admissions looks at the whole essay and your level of writing. You can write about whatever you want, as long as it is written at a high level.
I like your 250 word essay.
I don't want to sound like the " archetypal"* nerd, but I've read a whole edition of World Book Encyclopedia in a week. I constantly dig for new information and I can't get enough of it.
*The need of quotation marks are not needed, if you were to omit the word archetypal then quotation marks would be appropriate on the word nerd
Good luck.
that wanabe doesn't sound very esthetic
