Common App Essay!!
The prompt is:
Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.
The Dream, the Seed, and the Fruits
A clamor of rushed footsteps was fast approaching me. I shrunk back into the corner of the couch where I had just awakened and whimpered like a forsaken puppy. How did I get here? Where is Grandpa? Have I been kidnapped? Tears poured down my face as the footsteps came to an abrupt halt. A woman stood by the doorway: her hair was long and black, and on her tanned face was a bittersweet smile. She warily approached me and her fingers interlocked with mine, tugging me towards a room down the hall. Strangely enough, though I did not know where I was or where I was headed, I felt warm and secure in this woman's presence. Together, we approached the two men in the room. Relief flooded over me. One I instantly recognized - Grandpa - and the other was a gentle face with thick-rimmed glasses, looking at me with joyous eyes. A brief silence cloaked the room before my grandfather stood up. "Say hi to your parents, YuYu. You're in the United States now!"
Parents? They were like exotic animals to me. I occasionally saw my friends in China walk with their "parents" but I never questioned why I didn't have them. Sometimes I would secretly examine their interactions with each other. Piggy-back rides. Laughter. Hugging. Lots of talking. Hand holding. I looked at my strangers inquisitively for a few seconds, unsure of what to do, and finally forced out a "hi." Their eyes began watering and before I knew it, I was in their arms crying along with them. Looking back, our tears were only watering the seeds of a powerful relationship.
After that day, my grandpa purposely faded into the background of my life, allowing my parents to become the center figures of my life. A month passed in minutes and my grandpa had to return home. To my surprise though, I found his departure to have little bearing on me. Before parting, he left me with my parents' single ambition:
"All they wanted was a better life for you."
Ironically, when I first opened my eyes on my parents' couch, I was merely awakening to another dream - the dream of my parents. My parents had to toil and struggle for years to even plant the seeds of their dreams: working as servers and custodians during the night, while studying as students during the day. Then with my arrival, the seeds were finally watered by our tears. Today, the seeds bear their fruit through me. So what are these fruits, you ask? Love. Tenacity. Bravery. Dedication. Purpose. I am no longer YuYu now because of these fruits. I am Owen. Owen is what people call me, but is also why my parents suffered so much, when their dreams were realized, and who I know I am.
I am an individual who truly cares for others, who is willing to put others before himself. I am an individual who refuses to take opportunities for granted. I am an individual who stands out, who does not fear the unknown or uncertain. I am an individual who strives to always do his best and will never back down. I am an individual who wants to and will make an impact on society.
I am individual who must sow his seeds into the world.
Please give me constructive criticism and help fix mistakes! Thanks :)
It's a great essay; but maybe a little more elaboration would be nice to help connect the dream to your life. :)
Your first paragraph is wonderful - I love how the situation is ambiguous until the very last line. The "seeds watered by our tears" theme is a little too mushy gushy for me, but its the backbone of your essay so keep it there.
"I am Owen. Owen is what people call me, but is also why my parents suffered so much, when their dreams were realized, and who I know I am."
I had to read this a few times, especially the last part. Try reading it out loud, you'll know what I mean. Find a way to rephrase "when their dreams were realized, and who I know I am" and your flow will improve.
Your last paragraph was a little out of the blue. While it may be sincere, it comes off a little strong and is disconnected from the narrative you have above. You've got the narrative down flat, you just need to show how it affected you. How are you going to make an impact on society? Every statement up until the final bang just seems like fluff.
I can't find grammar mistakes, but maybe someone else will. Great title and good luck!
Great Essay! Your opening is really captivating but I also believe the last paragraph is a little bit detached.
I'm from China too and I can truly sense your feelings with this story.
However, don't you think this essay is more about your meaningful experience of life transition rather than the influence your parents had imposed on you?
Maybe you should consider recategorizing it.
This is a really great essay. However I have to agree with mystictiger that the last paragraph is a little disconnected. You start talking about yourself as an individual, when you should highlight the influence your parents had on you to make you the individual you are.
Great work, just work a little more on it and it will be ready to go! Good luck.
This is the Common App essay. My intention for this essay is to give a general outlook on my personality, while allowing my supplemental essays to target my more specific "ambitions" and "goals."
Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
The Dream, the Seeds, and the Fruit
A clamor of rushed footsteps was fast approaching me. I shrunk back into the corner of the couch where I had just awakened and whimpered like a forsaken puppy. How did I get here? Where is Grandpa? Have I been kidnapped? Tears poured down my face as the footsteps came to an abrupt halt. A woman stood by the doorway: her hair was long and black, and on her tanned face was a bittersweet smile. She warily approached me and her fingers interlocked with mine, tugging me towards a room down the hall. Strangely enough, though I did not know where I was or where I was headed, I felt warm and secure in this woman's presence. Together, we approached the two men in the room. Relief flooded over me. One I instantly recognized - Grandpa - and the other was a gentle face with thick-rimmed glasses, looking at me with joyous eyes. A brief silence cloaked the room before my grandfather stood up. "Say hi to your parents, YuYu. You're in the United States now!"
Parents? They were like exotic animals to me. I occasionally saw my friends in China walk with their "parents" but I never questioned why I didn't have them. Sometimes I
would furtively observe their interactions with each other. Piggy-back rides. Laughter. Hugging. Talking. Hand holding. I looked at my strangers inquisitively for a few seconds, unsure of what to do, and finally forced out a "hi." Their eyes began watering and before I knew it, I was in their arms crying along with them. Looking back, our tears were only watering the seeds of a powerful relationship.
After that day, my grandpa purposely faded into the background of my life, allowing my parents to become the center figures of my life. A month passed in minutes and my grandpa returned home. To my surprise though, I found his departure to have little bearing on me. Before parting, he left me with my parents' single ambition:
"All they wanted was a better life for you."
What little bitterness that I harbored in me suddenly vanished. I realized then that when I first opened my eyes on that couch, I was merely awakening to another dream - the dream of my parents. My parents had to toil for years, barely earning enough money to even survive, let alone paying for my airfare. One thing was certain though: they fought to keep their dreams alive. At night, they worked two jobs and during the day, they fiercely studied as college students. With my arrival, the seeds of their dreams were finally watered and nurtured. But what are these seeds? Love. Tenacity. Bravery. Dedication. Purpose. Today, the seeds have flowered. I am no longer YuYu. I am Owen. To others this is merely a name but to me "Owen" is the fruit of my parents' struggles, successes, and dreams.
So yes, part of who I am today was bestowed by my parents; however, I chose to use these qualities that flowered from the seeds to chase my own decisions and ambitions, to utilize every opportunity to its fullest. Though I am the fruit of my parents, I have since fallen from the tree, eager and prepared to sow my own seeds into the world.
Hi :) I think your essay is written very well. I can't find any mistakes. You seem very mature and intelligent, based on your writing skills and ability to describe the situation with your parents. Good job explaining your little story, showing some of your personality. I will recommend to re-read the final few sentences, you may want to re-phrase those a bit, they are a little choppy sounding. You have a nice solid essay, you will do well in school. Good luck :)
