"I wanted to be a boy" - U of Wisconsin statement

Questions/issues I have:
1. Does it answer the prompt appropriately?
2. General sentence-structure/grammar
3. Comments?

Prompt: The University values an educational environment that provides all members of the campus community with opportunities to grow and develop intellectually, personally, culturally and socially. In order to give us a more complete picture of you as an individual, please tell us about the particular life experiences, perspectives, talents, commitments and/or interests you will bring to our campus. In other words, how will your presence enrich our community?

I have had many big and bold ambitions: I wanted to invent a never-ending energy source and win a Nobel Prize for solving the world's energy crisis; I wanted to be a doctor - to help people, save lives and use a stethoscope; I wanted to be a vet, because I love and loved animals. I even wanted to be a fireman, just to save cats from trees.

But the most long-lasting ambition I had was also the most unrealistic, impractical and improbable - I wanted to be a boy.

I am in no way unsure of my sexuality, but in my 9-year-old mind, boys seemed to have all the advantages. Girls played with hair. Hair. And dolls - dolls which did nothing till you pretended they were alive. But boys! They had light-producing, stunt-performing, remote-controlled cars; they would brandish their swords to engage in a grand and heroic swordfight; they even had transforming fire engines! But best of all, they could run around naked without being hauled in to get "dressed". Dresses, to me, were restrictive beyond anything I could imagine. "What's the use of looking pretty when I can't kick a ball?" I once asked my mum.

My father had wanted me to be a boy as well, when I was conceived. Chinese tradition had always esteemed boys as the better sex, since boys would carry the family name to later generations. I recently found out that up till last year, shares in the family business my father was part of could only be given to boys with the family name. Since my two siblings are my half-siblings, I was my father's only direct descendent, so to speak, hence there's no surprise that he wanted a boy.

But I am a girl. While sometimes I still resent how as a girl I cannot stay out late because "There are Dangerous People out there", I've come to understand and appreciate that some things cannot be changed, and the fact that I am a girl is but one of them. I was reluctant to accept it at first, but over the years I've learnt that the grass is greener on this side, if only I look at it in the right light - I have the softness of a girl, the power to be affectionate. I have the ability to be a girl with both character and personality, someone in touch with my emotions and that of others. Taking a different perspective on the issue taught me that there are always pros that come with cons.

And this lesson is not just about the advantages of being a girl - the concept of finding the good in any given circumstance applies to all aspects of my life. "Always look on the bright side of life" (from Monty Python's Life of Brian) may seem clichéd, but it is something I have truly learnt to do; to see the good on both sides of the coin, and to find beauty in an empty glass, even when the odds seem to be against me.

I have learnt that smooth seas do not make a skilled sailor, and that something good always comes out of every situation, no mater how bad things may seem. Despite my being a girl, despite being dumped by my best friend, despite being light-years away from "perfect", my setbacks shape me into me. Be it lessons I have yet to learn or bruises I have yet to endure, I have my kneepads on, and I'm ready, because I know that with every step I take on rocky ground, I gain the art of mastering my balance.

With my outlook on life, I will inject cheer into the lives of my peers; with the culture that I carry, I will add color and diversity; with my dreams, I will lead, and enrich the campus community.

^Everything read fine until here.
How is the grass greener on the other side? What exactly are you talking about?
I think this whole paragraph is quite ineffective actually. I do not quite understand the point you are trying to make.


^I guess you are sharing a perspective.
However, I am not entirely sure what your perspective is, even though the essay started off on an interesting ntoe.

Are you trying to say that you wish you were a boy, (even just for a day-Beyonce song), but you have come to terms with the fact that you are a girl.

You do not discuss how you learnt this and what made you realize this.

I think you should write more introduction. In general, the length of introduction is at least 6 to 7 sentences. I also think your writing is kind of choppy; you can use a comma, colons, hyphens, or semi colons.

You can also use a story, personal experience, or quote to emphasize your introduction. But, remember; when you use a quote, you need to explain why you used that quote and what it means to you. I also encourage you to use more transition: in addition, nevertheless, hence, and etc. Using right transition makes your reader understand better and easier.

How do you plan to do that? List specific things you want to do: you can say you can teach others how to deal with hardship. Like, are you going to give back face, leadership, money, etc. back to the school? They are not going to take guesses, so you really need to tell them up front.

Wow thanks everyone for the feedback. One problem I had was that the rough guide given was about 250-500 words, but my essay is already almost 530 words. Perhaps while trying to cut down on words the essay got choppy and abrupt and transition got neglected. I'll try to fix that up as best as I can.


I actually wrote "the grass is greener on THIS side, if only i look at it in the right light." I meant to say that although it may seem that boys had the advantage, girls may actually be better off, depending on the perspective you take on it.


It is a "life experience" and a perspective, in a way. I guess my perspective is that we have to look at things from different perspectives. :P And generally look on the bright side; look for the good in any circumstance; be positive. etc.

I guess the essay doesn't really show that much. I'll work on that.


Um, what made me realize that I am a girl?? Isn't it given that I have to come to terms with the fact that I am a girl, because I AM a girl?

Oh no, this is bad. Because I intended to say that I used to wish I were a boy. Sometimes I still do, but "there are somethings that cannot be changed" i.e. sex, and so I've learnt to find the good in being female. And that concept of finding the good in any given circumstance applies to the rest of my life.

No?


I REALLY WANT TO DO THAT. I mean, describe in greater detail what I can do. but like I mentioned, I'm afraid it may make my essay too long.. :(

THANKS FOR THE ADVICE. I'll work on it and post a revised version.

Pretty good essay. Sometimes I wish I were a girl, haha. But I'm a man,man. errrrr.

However you could be slight more specific on the grass is greener part, as some people may not comprehend. Although personally, I understand what you mean.

Also, 2nd last paragraph could be expanded." I have learnt that something good always comes out of every situation, no matter how bad things may seem. " seems like your main theme. You have a good basic thesis sentence and example,but if this were my essay, I would just emphasize a bit more on what I have learned in depth. You know what I mean?

yeah! thanks so much. I think you hit the spot too. more focus on what I've learnt. But that makes me feel like completely removing the whole bit about why boys are better. Which is not a good idea. but thanks.

and don't wish you were a girl. females have tough lives. the worst part? the torment of bleeding for 40 years of your life.

Okay I have changed it. but now it is ULTRA long. 640 words!! HELP PLEASE!!! I'm VERY afraid that the comm would be turned off. >< I tried my best to improve it and incorporate the feedback. I personally think it is better, but the word count is holding me back.

We offer a rough guideline of 250-500 words per statement.That being said, you should use as many words as necessary to answer the questions and tell us what we need to know about you. Use the statements to demonstrate how you think about things and that you can write concisely and clearly about your thoughts.

It means minimum of words per statement. I guess 500-1,000 words (twice of the minimum words) will be good enough.
As they said, use as many words as you need to show them how great you are! Try to make one introduction, 2-3 body paragraph, and one conclusion; it looks more organized and nicer. Don't be afraid to write what you want to write. And, remind your readers why you want to go to UW in either intro or concl. (Tip: good essays start with a thesis statement.)

Okay i'll try to do that. I hate structure generally, but if it's better then too bad for me.
BUT i really have no idea how to put in a proper thesis statement and intro paragraph without just restating/rephrasing what's later on in the essay.

should i really write about why i want to get into UW? because the question doesn't really ask that. I have a lot of reasons though - the place is beautiful! i haven't seen it personally, but what I see from pictures is amazing. and for someone who has been deprived of the four seasons for the past 18 years of my life, i can't wait for the experience.

You don't have to write about the reasons, but as they mentioned, say how will you enrich their community with specific examples such as clubs realated with social services in school, non-profit organizations in UW community, or volunteer at community service centers. You don't want to just mention the names, but you want to be specific about HOW will you enrich. Look for some organizations, clubs, and even internship opportunities in UW. (Alternative Spring Break is a good one.)

Why they ask you this question is because they want to know how much you know about UW, their community, and your potential. Do not just say "I want to get into UW!" As you give them how will you contribute your effort into their community, they will know that whether you are prepared for UW and you know UW well. Think about why they really ask you this question.

oh WOW thanks, i realised I really missed that out TOTALLY. Is it okay if i kinda just insert a 2nd last paragraph and tell them how I can use/share my experiences in the many opportunities the university provides, and proceed to list a few?