For All Applicants
PROMPT #2: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?(Maximum 500 words)
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The audience leaned forward in their folding chairs, anxiously waiting for the host to announce the champion of the 16th provincial Latin dance contest. The moment of truth arrived, and the host announced the winners: "Xiaoling Chen & Li Zhi". My heart sank. All my visions of basking in the glow of victory, and the pride of my parents came crashing down. Despite the months of endless practices, the pain and sacrifice; once again, I lost.
When I told my mom eight years ago that I wanted to learn Latin dance, I did not foresee that failure would be a part of those lessons. With an passion for the power and sensuality, I saw myself elegantly delivering complicated combinations of steps and routines with a grace that left awe in its wake. Now I saw that awe on the faces of the audience - just not for me. I was left with an empty feeling that hollowed me to the core. I felt like I wanted to scream, but instead I just applauded the winning pair.
Should I give up? I was 16 years old, a top student in my class, leader of our school debate team, assistant director in model United Nations, and an active volunteer guide in Anhui Provincial Museum. "Look, I am just too busy." I could easily excuse my failure with my other successes and move on.
But deep in my heart, I knew that I couldn't. For the past eight years, every Wednesday night and through every weekend, I rode my bike an hour each way to the dance studio. There, I was truly immersed in the joy of dance; intensely practicing every move, every stretch, until I was drenched in sweat. There were times when my knees were covered with bruises and scars, when sickness took away my strength, when the heavy workload at school overwhelmed me; yet still I persevered, and never missed a single class. To me, dance is my outlet to express myself, and my way to feel the world. It is the most direct, passionate and pure existence of rhythms of life. I know how much I love it. A life without dance is something I can't imagine, so I picked myself up and I kept going.
For my past 17 years of life, I've been through so many situations like the day standing in that provincial contest. Every time when I was lured to give up, when I was disheartened by failure, I will soon made up my mind again and kept on going. I am never a quick learner. I started with a very slow pace in learning new things, but later in life, I always find myself one of the few who have kept on until the end. Eight years of Latin dance, four years of participating in English debate, three years teaching myself Spanish, and two years of volunteering in city museum- to what I am passionate about, as soon as I started, I never give up halfway. This is me. Being persistent is my secret to success and is what I am truly proud of myself.
Its great!
Your language is easy to follow and very concise.
The thing I would comment on is the last paragraph
I started with a very slow pace in learning new things, but later in life, I always find myself one of the few who have kept on until the end. Eight years of Latin dance, four years of participating in English debate, three years teaching myself Spanish, and two years of volunteering in city museum- to what I am passionate about, as soon as I started, I never give up halfway. This is me. Being persistent is my secret to success and is what I am truly proud of myself.
Doesn't this part sound like listing?
The focus of your essay has been Latin dance, and now you added English debate, teaching career, volunteer work, etc.
It seems like as if you are just trying to show who you are in a sentence.
Hi abebayor:
Yes, I was trying to conclude by saying that what I am proud of is not only dancing, but the persistane. Also selfishly yes, I tried to impress a bit by telling them what I have persisted. Since I don't have much room to put the details of other activities, do you think I should rather take the list off the essay? Or any suggestion about how to edit?
Lilian
Hi Lilian,
The activities that you have wholeheartedly participated in will be reflected in your application.
In the Common Application, there is a section where you can actually elaborate on one of your activities, but this is UC so nevermind :P
In fact, after giving it a second consider, I can understand what you are trying to say in the last paragraph. It does highlight your persistence.
Fantastic. Definitely fantastic. The only thing I would have to advise against is that part of your essay where you started listing a whole bunch of accomplishments and committments. This is unnecessary to add to an already good essay and it has nothing to do with your passion for dance. In fact, it makes you seem pretty ungrateful to the successes you've actually had in these other outlets of your life when you seem to be focusing too much on ONE failure. Do you know what I am trying to say? When you get rid of this, don't forget to eliminate the connection to it at the end of your essay.
Actually, I was using the comm application here, by adding an ending paragraph. Looks like it is a bit redundant and unnecessary. I am taking it off now:)
Thanks guy!
Very good essay. Clearly a talented writer. ust make sure you focus on personal growth throughout essay
yes, grateful, this is what I am concerning about too. I guess I address too much about my failure and did not address the growth process too much. It is a common problem in my essays actually, and I don't really know how to improve it:( Any comment?
Uncomplicated and strong. Didn't notice any grammatical mistakes at all. Good one =D
My view is that you should focus on how your failures change you. How it make your inner self stronger. Try to minimize listing your achievements as it will make you seem like showing off. There's a part in the UC application where you can list your achievements. For this part, focus on dancing. Bring in your zeal and passion, show your inner feelings. Good luck =)
