Unanswered [5] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 4

'I wanted to be a part of the marching band' - UC Prompt #2


orchestranerd71 2 / 5  
Nov 28, 2011   #1
Prompt #2--Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

Ever since I was a little kid sitting in the stands of the Alhambra High School football field, I wanted to be a part of the marching band. I remember those days, standing on the field's edge waiting to see the students march in and stop in front of me just in time for the audience to recognize their strong posture and diligence. I can never forget my fascination with the percussion's laughter from inside jokes, the brass' dancing to the sounds of the woodwinds during halftime, and, best of all, the drum major's hands as they waved high in the air. Not since the time I played on my first soccer team, or joined the junior high's orchestra class, had I become so infatuated with the idea that someday I too could be a part of that thing I loved so much. It wasn't just a band, but a growing family I had longed to become a part of.

At the beginning of my sophomore year, I realized that I had wasted several years of my adolescent life living with a dream without pursuing my goal; I needed to sign up for band. On the first day of school, August 2008, Ms. George, my orchestra director since seventh grade, pulled me aside and proposed to me an opportunity-a proposition of a lifetime. To this day, I still recall that very moment and her exact words: "What do think about starting a flag team?" I had never really considered the idea, nor thought of myself as a flag girl; however, the fact that my music teacher chose me out of all her students to be a leader, and motivator for girls and boys my age was simply the biggest privilege I have ever received; I couldn't possibly turn her down.

For the last three years of my career as a high school student I have been honored to serve as the coach and captain of the Alhambra High School's first official color guard team in over twenty years. Being able to bring girls and boys, ranging from little to large talent, into a family I have constructed for a good, yet small portion of my life brings me great satisfaction. I am able to help both students, and friends pursue their desires, whether it's joining a sports team, being a flag girl/boy, or, like me, having the choice to be a part of the high school's marching band without even acquiring the ability to play an instrument. I'll admit, it's not always easy telling your fellow peers what to do, teaching them things you struggle with yourself, and disciplining them when they're out of line, but I know that I would not be as strong of a person today if I didn't. I remember freshman year, like it was just the other day, the idea of performing in front of over a thousand people every single home football game left me shaking at the knees. Nevertheless, today I have stood on that Alhambra football field a myriad of times with the confidence and grace I thought I never possessed; today, I no longer fear any obstacle to come my way. I have taught my flag team to grasp that confidence I have became so familiar with by sitting together as a group during football games, laughing, telling jokes, and encouraging one another that no matter what happens out on the field, every team member does their best and that is all that they can do. Although I know that I was just one of the lucky students who was given the chance to be an instructor for the Martinez music program, I am overjoyed that I took the opportunity and pursued my goal to be a member of the marching band.

I WOULD LOVE ANY FEEDBACK! THANKS!

Yang93 1 / 12  
Nov 28, 2011   #2
nice job... i liked it. i think there's nothing wrong with your essay but it would be a good idea to have an english teacher(or counselor) read it over before you submit. Good luck!
madtomato 2 / 7  
Nov 28, 2011   #3
You do SUCH a good job with show don't tell. Thats one of my biggest pet peeves when reading essays... people tend to just flat out say what they want to say instead of describing it, which is obviously far more interesting! I think you definitely address the prompt, and do a nice job of tying the experience back to yourself and how you've changed from it.
michelleleal3 2 / 5  
Nov 28, 2011   #4
I agree you did a great job in your showing not telling, especally in the first paragraph. You answer the prompt clearly and it flows nicely. good luck!


Home / Undergraduate / 'I wanted to be a part of the marching band' - UC Prompt #2