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"I wanted to be a performer" - My own Ingredients to success


kjustinv 1 / 2  
Jul 17, 2011   #1
Here's the question:
"Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realized,
that have helped to define you as a person?"

Here's my essay:
I was raised to see the different perspectives of our society. My family raised me as a God-fearing, studious, and a sophisticated person. At an early age, I am aware of what I wanted to be in the future. As a visual learner, I spent most of the day wondering what I will be few years from now. Since I was a kid, I wanted to be a performer. You know celebrities who are chased by the paparazzi's. However, as time pass by, I realized another thing; that I also want to become a successful businessman/CEO. A businessman or a chairman of the board you always talk and propose strategies to the company. And through my 18 years of existence, my experiences serve as a guideline that defines me as a person. Guidelines that helped me create my own ingredients to success.

I must admit that I am an attention seeking, in a good way. I am very much hungry for exposure and attention. And because I am longing for it, I always took the responsibilities of a leader. A leader that is respected, knowledgeable and the person will guide the whole team to victory. A leader that leads the whole class when performing mass demonstrations. A leader that represents the school in sports competition. In fact, I represented my school, Victorious Christian Montessori School Foundation Inc. and Sisler High School, in badminton competitions. All I know is being a leader gives me satisfactions. Satisfactions that I will never give up for anything. That is why when I got the leadership awardee when I graduated from elementary, I was so happy that finally I have accomplished the first step in achieving to my dreams, taking responsibilities. Since then, I started joining different school organizations and competitions. When I was in grade 4, I was crowned as the 3rd-runner up for Mr. FLCS (Father Luigi Caburlotto School) and when I was in second year high school; I was crowned as Mr. VCM. These competitions tested me on how I take care of myself, my intelligence, and how I present myself in the public. When I was in third year high school, I was the 1st runner up for the first Victorian Idol. This is a singing contest that tested my talents that God trusted to me. And now, I am part of the STAND (Sisler Team against Nicotine and Drugs) and the Sisler Science Squad here in Canada. These competitions and organizations helped me accomplished my second step in making my dream come true, having confidence and awareness. The competitions I joined helped me to believe in myself no matter what people say about me, and the organizations, on the other hand, gives me an outline about what the real world really is. I am also part of the CAT/Scouting in the Philippines. Scouting helped me to keep myself physically strong, mentally awake, and morally straight. It also helped me to become a loyal, trustworthy, and kind person. I am also part of the CYN, Christian Youth for the Nation. The CYN nourished my faith towards God. The CYN also though me the He, our Creator, always got my back. Those are the words that motivate me every day. The CAT/Scouting and the CYN helped me accomplished the third step to my dreams, being discipline, humble, and God-fearing person. These experiences and accomplishments helped me in achieving my dreams.

I never believed my dreams are too high to reach. That through experience, you could learn everything. You could even create your own ingredients to success. And now, as I move along with my life, I am now accomplishing the last step in fulfilling my dreams, believing and chasing it.

>END<

NOTE: im not really got at english and english isn't my first languange. help me please! :D

hvthoteen 16 / 44 4  
Jul 17, 2011   #2
why don't you divide the body paragraph into smaller paragraphs ?
OP kjustinv 1 / 2  
Jul 17, 2011   #3
are the contents okay? i mean my grammar and the construction?
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Jul 19, 2011   #4
I was raised to see the different perspectives of our society. My family raised me as a God-fearing, studious, and a sophisticated person. ---I crossed out one word.

Past tense:
At an early age, I am was aware of...

what I wanted to be in the future. As a visual learner, I spent most of the day visualizing what I will would be few years in the future.

...to become a successful businessman/CEO. A businessman or a chairman of the board you always talk and propose strategies to the company. ---I do not think this is a goal. I think it is a means to an end. You have a REAL goal, a goal that gives meaning to your life, and in order to achieve that goal maybe you ned to succeed in business. But the industry you enter, the business you maintain... these have to vary according to your real purpose. What is it?

:-)

I must admit that I am an attention seeking, in a good way. I am very much hungry for exposure and attention. And because I am longing for it, I always took take the ...------In this paragraph, you began be writing in the present verb tense, so keep it in the present verb tense.

This is a cool sentence!----> The CYN also though me the He, our Creator, always got my back.
Well done...
OP kjustinv 1 / 2  
Jul 19, 2011   #5
THANK YOU @EF_KEVIN . :D


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