Prompt: In an essay of 300 words or less, please discuss your academic interests and/or professional goals.
Please criticize this essay harshly.Thank you :D
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Ever since I was a child, I have always wanted to be someone who can help and improve the lives of others.Although I do not have an planned future for myself, I wish my future career could be related to the health care field that I would influence someone's life someday . My first life experience with a health care field professional was with a social worker. When my mother was diagnosed with severe depression, the social worker was the first person to approach me to give me comfort and support. My mother's sickness came extremely fast; at age 14, I felt hopeless and helpless when my mother was taken from me to be hospitalized.The social worker told me that I needed to become stronger and more independent in order to ease stresses on my family. Her words gave a sense of new direction to my helpless life. Without the social worker that cared for me, my life could have still been dejected. Her job plays a crucial role in our community, caring takers for people and making our society a better and warmer place to live. I also want to be someone like the social worker who cares and can affect somebody's life positively. My career choice would be in the health care profession because I want to make a difference in the lives of others.
There are some vocabulary issues here. Words a like 'thoughtless' and 'admired.' There are also some preposition issues...'From to' doesn't work very well, and neither does 'as lightning fast.'
My mother's sickness came in as lightning fast; this would be better stated as 'My mother's sickness seemed to come very quickly.'
Read it over and think about what it sounds like.
"I have always admired to be someone..." doesn't make sense.
Consider rewording "they act as care takers for everybody." Everybody?
"Becoming a social worker is a goal of life that I want to make a difference in other people's lives." This sentence doesn't flow or make much sense...consider rewriting it to be more simple. "One of my life goals is to be a social worker because I want to make a difference in the lives of others." (for example)
Thank you EF_Stephen and worldbound10 for commenting on my essay =)
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I edited some parts,
please be harsh and suggest anything that would make my essay stronger.
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Is my essay too short? It's only 197 words.
I change my essay's idea a little bit.
Please comment on it.
Be critical and harsh.
Thank you!
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Anybody?
...be someone who could help and improve...
Write fourteen instead of 14.
...could be related to the health care field that I can achieve that purpose someday.
I admire your great plans for life. Some students are only interested in getting rich. I hope you do very well!!!
Thanks EF_Kevin !
