The essay prompt is "Please discuss why you are considering transferring from your current college or university." The essay supposed to be roughly 250 words and what I have now is a relatively unedited (and as honest as possible) explanation of my situation. It is kind of a mess at the moment, but I'm just trying to get what I want to say in some form. Any help in structuring the essay would be fantastic, I know it's not very good so please don't be rude about what's bad. My goal is to take this information and make it a cohesive essay, again, this is just a sort of jumble of ideas and history.
When I applied for colleges from high school, my primary goal was to get into a music school and get a degree in music with a minor in mathematics or physics. I primarily studied physics and math as a hobby and while I found both fascinating, I simply did not have the academic record to be competitive for admissions. I did science competitions and did fairly well on a state and sometimes interstate level, but I didn't put any effort in schooling. Perhaps to my benefit, I did not gain admissions to any of the schools for which I auditioned and I was left with academic admissions to several schools where I would have been happy to study music, but virtually unable to seriously study anything academic. I chose Kennesaw State because after some investigation I discovered that despite not having a full physics department or even a major in physics, they offered directed studies in physics. I immediately began discussing the prerequisites to register with Dr. Kidonakis, who now advises my studies in quantum field theory, and discovered that I met them with my exam scores. I registered as mathematics major and took three mathematics courses this summer, but I found my classes unchallenging and began discussing mathematics out of class with my professors. I began mapping out courses so that I could transfer to a Georgia school like GT or UGA, but when I told my professors of my intentions, they recommended I apply more broadly and take risks in applying. I've spent most of my time this semester working on my directed study with Dr. Kidonakis, but it's not possible for him to guide me through the entire undergraduate curriculum one course at a time and even if he did, my degree would still be in mathematics. I need a place where I can take courses in physics that are intended for future physicists, a place where I can get a degree; while there's nothing wrong with being a high school teacher, the material they learn is simply not presented in the same context as what I need. I need a place where I can be challenged and find value in the courses I take; a place where I can have peers and opportunities to do research and experience physics first hand.
Thank you in advanced for any and all help!
"...but I didn't put any effort in schooling." Change the in to "into"
"Perhaps to my benefit, I did not gain admissions to any of the schools for which I auditioned and I was left with academic admissions to several schools where I would have been happy to study music, but virtually unable to seriously study anything academic." This sentence is way too long and wordy. Try something like "Perhaps to my benefit, I did not gain admission to any of the schools I auditioned for. However, I gained academic admissions to several schools where I would have been happy to study music, but was unable to seriously study anything academic." Something like that.
"I need a place where I can be challenged and find value in the courses I take; a place where I can have peers and opportunities to do research and experience physics first hand." This is not grammatically correct. Use a - instead of a ; to make it better. A semi colon is only used instead of a period. "A place where I can have peers and opportunities to do..." is not a complete sentence.
Other than those errors, I think it's a pretty good essay and gets to the point well. Good luck!
