"The war on terror is not fought on distant shores" - international concern

Hey i would really appreciate it if someone could edit my essay. its for the common app and i greatly appreciate any advice or corrections

"BREAKING NEWS: Two people were injured today in a blast in Peshawar city: no one was killed and the intended target, the information minister, Mian Iftikhar Hussain, escaped unscathed. The interior minister, Mr. Rehman Malik, gave the following statement, "I am pleased to say that the suicide attack failed and the minister was adequately protected; furthermore, no one was killed and our security forces thwarted the plans of the terrorists. I commend our brave soldiers and their duty towards their nation".

I was astonished at this newscast; to my utter bewilderment, the newscaster and the interior minister were happy, almost radiant with joy. Then, it hit me; the incident was a success, a victory over the bad guys but in reality it's an example of how much our society has suffered and the permanent havoc that has been wrought on it.

The war on terror is not fought on distant shores; it is among us, threatening the very existence and fabric of our life. The Taliban have recently found a new way to flex their muscles; just last month all educational institutions across the country were closed, shut down by the government to protect millions of innocent students from these barbarians who prohibit education in the name of religion. Islamic university, an institution very near my own closed school did not comply and it was attacked by militants who blew themselves up in the packed cafeteria. Our lives are not governed by laws or even by the democratically elected government, they are subject to the whims and wishes of a band of terrorists. In the markets, the offices, the restaurants, there is a sense of fear, the terror of never knowing when a bomb might go off or a terrorist may take the entire building hostage. Today, the entire world hates these perpetrators of terror but I find this approach constricted, too provincial to understand the true picture. The problem is not the terrorists; it is "us", the society that breeds these villains.

Two weeks ago, while the schools were closed and I had nothing else to do, I turned on the news channel which, surprisingly, was not showing images of gore and violence but of a cute Pathan boy, barely 10 years old with silky blond hair and a mischievous smile. The child reminded me of my own cousin, an impish toddler whom I adore with all my heart. However, my amazement did not last long; the images were actually childhood pictures of an escaped terrorist who was rumored to have plotted an attack on the army headquarters. That single picture of a naïve, smiling boy stuck in my mind and I began to think of his transformation from innocence to brutality. The more I thought, the more puzzled I became; terrorists are not born, they are created and if they are created by society, we, as part of society have a role in their creation. This chain of thought led me to the present day dilemma: the threat to schools.

The Taliban are targeting educational institutions, not because of religious motives but rather to eliminate the one true cure and guard against terrorism and thus their own existence. Illiteracy and, subsequently, poverty, are the two major causes of terrorism; they are the catalysts that transform ordinary people into bloodthirsty animals. I have pathan friends, teachers and they are perhaps the most peaceful people ever; the difference between them and the terrorists is education and a crooked sense of right and wrong. I believe that rather than military operations and use of force which hasn't yielded much fruit anyway, education and economic welfare should be our weapons to combat the menace of terrorism and truly finish them off, once and for all.

"Illiteracy and, subsequently, poverty, are the two major causes of terrorism"

Be careful here. It seems like you are making your own opinion fact and the essay reader might disagree with you.

other than that, wat other advice do u have. how can i improve it

be careful about this topic. you really don't wanna put too many radical statements cuz it's politics.


and I had free time? nothing to do makes you sound like a really boring person


you mentioned the same thing in your second paragraph, but what proof do you half? It's really dangerous to just spur out these big theories if you don't have any backup. remember, this in itself is very controversial, and the admin might just discard it for its dangerous pessimism.

again, how did this impact you? I can talk about poverty all i want (that's the topic i chose for this), and how poverty isn't just money, but also deals mental stuff, but SO? it's great that the reader gets that you have insights on terrorism, but the reader learns nothing about you except that you excuse the twisted minds of terrorists with the fact that the society is evil


Do you know his life? If not, then how can you say that? I can simply be a crazy maniac and kill people for NO reason, yet wasn't I born an "innocent baby"?

the prose is good, but the idea is very very controversial and should be avoided or else you are going to offend the admin. I have particular trouble with:


even it might sound logical to you, without explanation or solution, you are purely criticizing the society and say that it's the people's fault that they get bombed by some crazy maniac.