Hi Guys,
First off, let me say how blown away I am by the amazing feedback that you all provide. After taking into consideration the feedback you gave me on my last essay, I decided to give this one a more formal approach. Please let me know of any changes you think I should make.
Cheers
Prompt- The global hospitality industry includes hotel and foodservice management, real estate, finance, entrepreneurship, marketing, and law. Describe what has influenced your decision to make the business of hospitality your academic focus. What personal qualities make you a good fit for SHA? 500 words max.
Warmth
The entirety of everything hospitality encompasses can be described in one word: warmth. It is such a soothing word, a remembrance of the amber glow of the fire while it pours outside, the feeling of hot chocolate in the throat, and the love that the dearest people provide. It is a comforting word and it is a safe word. To me, that is exactly what hospitality should be. I chose hospitality as my academic focus because I wanted to provide that warmth to people.
I was not always so sentimental. High school is hell. It is filled with people who are constantly trying to put others down so they do not feel so terrible about themselves. I did not just learn trigonometry, I learned how to raise walls of indifference, and how to launch stones full of malice. I would always try to knock someone down a peg. I would always have something smart to say. I did not care about whose feelings got hurt, as long as I got a good laugh.
Then I met this man named Leon through work. Leon was in his fifties and as we were discussing college, he gave me some advice. Leon had just been like me. He was always ready to insult someone, to break them down. He was the big man on campus. Everyone knew him, and he thought that he had a lot of friends. But then he got Leukemia and while he was recovering, not one person visited him in the hospital. He told me, "Do not take your relationships for granted. A laugh lasts a few seconds. Your actions last a lifetime".
Hearing his story made me want to pursuit a career in hospitality. After working at a restaurant, I experienced first hand how draining this job can be. It is filled with customers who think they are always right, and servers who think of nothing else but clocking out. But no matter what day it was, Leon always came in with a skip in his step and a whistle in his voice. And I soon found myself feeling better. It was as if his positivity had rubbed off on those around him. His attitude made me think. All my life, I had brought people down, and for what? It is my senior year, and I do not want to be remembered as the kid who was a jerk, but happened to be funny. I'm the captain of the varsity soccer team. I'm supposed to be a leader, someone people look up to. Yet how could people respect me if they felt ridiculed?
I realized in that moment that hospitality is not just about the industry; it's a state of mind. It's the simple action of giving a warm smile when a customer walks through the door. It's giving a little kid an extra crayon even though his parents said no. It's asking someone how their day was. It's encouraging someone to talk when they feel like nobody's listening. It's being kind, and kindness is contagious.
Hi Lincoln, below are my thoughts on your essay;
First of all, addressing "high school is hell", may not be worth including in your essay. Remember, in everything you do, if you cannot say something nice to somebody or something, then don't blurt it out, believe me, it will not do you good. Don't get me wrong, you can still express negative feedback towards things or people but if this will create an unpleasant feeling, then better not.
Moreover, I would like you to be honest in all your writing articles but, if you can, avoid negative words and thoughts. Mind that this letter is you, you represent yourself in all your writing articles, therefore, it pays to be always on the safe side. Having said that, a hotel school may be a tough cookie to eat, therefore, you need to take an even farther understanding of the topic and not submit a rather shallow one.
The hospitality industry is the industry that keeps on giving, chew on this thought and I know that you will be able to revise and strengthen your essay. College is tough and hotel school is definitely an even greater challenge that's why it takes a lot thinking through to make it to the list.
I hope my insights helped and I wish to review the revised essay soon.
Hi again, Linc! Glad to see you are giving essay writing another go here at EF! I really really like what you have so far for this essay. This line is brilliant.(although I'd use a semi colon after trigonometry instead of a comma).
I did not just learn trigonometry, I learned how to raise walls of indifference, and how to launch stones full of malice.
However, I'm confused about how this essay answers the prompt you posted with the essay? Is it the right one?
Because it doesn't really answer that prompt but answers the one about failure really really well. You talk about your high school experience, how you were kind of a bully (though you don't say that outright) and not the nicest person. There's your failure. Meeting Leon is kind of the turning point of this failure, and then you turned your failure into a success by joining this field of work that allows you to build people up instead of tearing them down. You are now providing warmth and comfort. You are learning how to be a leader.
Seriously, this essay is almost there in answering the other prompt. I can kind of see how it fits the above prompt and how this situation influenced you to want to join the hospitality field, but I don't really see the part of the prompt that asks about personal qualities.
Let me know which it's supposed to be and I'd be happy to come back and make some more edits and comments. Take care.
he gave me some advices . Leon had just beenwas just like me.
not one person no one visited
I found your essay to be written in a literary style. I don't know how this type of application should be written.If they can be informal then way to go, but if they are formal maybe you should lower a bit the tone. Another problem is that you didn't explain how you are good fit. You should recall your academic history and achievements, university's raters love that.
