This is my first draft so any and ALL help would be appreciated. thanks :)
In an essay of 300 words or less, choose one extracurricular activity, work experience or community service project from the list you provided on the application and explain why you initially chose it, why you continued with it, and how you benefited from it.
Each October, the color pink begins to show up everywhere around my school: pink clothing, pink football gear, and even pink hair. Pink represents breast cancer awareness and October is the National Breast Cancer Awareness Month. When this time of year rolls around, I can't help but feel excited and enthusiastic, for the month ahead will be one of bringing many people together in hope of furthering breast cancer research. At Mchenry Community High School, Warrior nation is responsible for sponsoring school events and increasing school spirit in any way possible. During my first year of being a board member on Warrior Nation as a sophomore, I remember discussing with my fellow board members about the upcoming events of October. This was the first main event of the school year, and therefore we were looking to begin the year with something great to remember. We began to organize events throughout the month, but we really focused our planning on "Volley for the Cure". This was an event that would take place at the varsity girl's volleyball game at home. Warrior Nation decided to create and sell pink shirts advertising the fundraiser, sell pink hair extensions, and even encouraged the boy's football team to wear pink while they played their games. The night of the anticipated volleyball game, we board members were running around making sure everything was running smoothly. Throughout the chaos, I remember stepping aside and just gazing into the crowd of bright pink. Chills ran down my spine for what I saw was breathtaking: a high school had come together to raise money for such a great cause and had fun while doing it. Since that awakening moment, I knew Warrior Nation was an activity I would stick to throughout my high school career. It helped me realize that we may be a school, but in time of need such a large group can come together almost like a family.
You should put somewhere that pink is more than a color and represents....
Also instead of saying the night of, you should say On the night of. Overall this was great, just a few minor changes here and there. I loved the ending. It brought everything together.
Use paragraphs.
End the first paragraph, and take the opportunity at the end of the paragraph to give a sentence that sums up the message you want the reader to remember. Right now, the essay is like an arrow with no arrowhead. Do a paragraph break, and stab the reader with that memorable thesis statement!
:-)
