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"Warrior Princess"- KARATE ; Extracurricular activities


Epsilon 3 / 10  
Feb 4, 2013   #1
So, if you guys see anything that should be fixed in terms of grammar structure or writing style, please let me know as this maybe the last revision before I finally submit it. Thank you for your time.

Prompt: Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).

A version of my first name means "warrior princess", and to a little girl who believed in fantasies and thought the world of

warriors, this name was very appealing. Little did I know, this was no fantasy. After persuading my concerned parents, I
started karate classes at the age of 10. Two years later, I am standing before the judges who will decide if I deserve a black
belt. I gave it everything I can and was one of the few people who passed the test. Finally, I could see how sincerely my

parents supported me and believed in what I'm doing. Before the day I fought in my first local tournament, I did not know what

real pressure meant. I was the "new girl" who no one expected to win, and who surprised everyone by getting a gold medal.

By 2012, I had already made it into the national team and competed in all kinds of tournaments I could dream of. This
experience did not teach me fantastic materialistic skills as I thought it would, but intangible qualities that I will always cherish.
abrownie 6 / 14 3  
Feb 4, 2013   #2
I believe the essay is well-written and I do not see any glaring errors in grammar; however, I believe that the essay lacks a clear understanding of what karate means to you. These supplemental essays are truly about understanding you. In this essay I feel like I am reading something impersonal. How does karate make you feel? Perhaps one example - like the first local tournament - would be better to focus on than everything at once. Best of luck!
OP Epsilon 3 / 10  
Feb 5, 2013   #3
Thank you so much you guys. You've been a great help.
@ dumi, do you not suggest I re-write it then? Is it as an over all fairly-written as far as the focus of the essay?
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Feb 5, 2013   #4
@ dumi, do you not suggest I re-write it then? I

I don't see any reason as to why you should re-write it. For me it flows really beautiful and contains very good points to support you with your scholarship application.

Is it as an over all fairly-written as far as the focus of the essay?

It is an over all outstanding essay :)
If at all you need to add anything, give some thought for what abrownie mentioned;

I believe that the essay lacks a clear understanding of what karate means to you.

You can replace the following sentence with another line to talk about how Karate impacted your personality.

Finally, I could see how sincerely my parents supported me and believed in what I'm doing.

Even if you don't make any changes and leave it as it is, it reads well :)


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