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A warrior spirit never die-Naval Academy:Deeper Meaning/Purpose to earn invitation to USNA

Cl0ark0 1 / 10 2  
Jan 30, 2014   #1
Hello, I'm in the process of finishing up my essay for the United States Naval Academy. I've thought for a long time into the detail, ideas and maybe need a little improvement here and there. The prompt goes as follow:

In a well-organized essay of 300 to 500 words, please discuss the following:

"One Navajo story that I hold dear to my heart is known as "The Twin Warriors," it portrays two brothers who defended the Navajo People from vicious entities. This legend is most famous for its honorable message, "A warrior spirit never dies." This principle solely has molded a charismatic trait within, which has aided in my screaming wake-up call during the summer of 2010. My family resorted to living in a fifth wheel travel with no electrical or water components for several months due to a complicate issue. Prior to this tremendous life altering experience, I never felt the immense force of life's bitterness until I painfully witness my family struggle to survive cold nights and emotional stress. However, I soon regained my footing and dusted myself off and mentally took an oath that mirrored the Marine Corps motto: Adapt and Overcome!

When I was a child, my grandfather once asked me, "Did you realize how power our Navajo language is? That we helped secure victory during the Pacific War, despite boarding schools' plan to eliminate our language and punish those who spoke it." Initially, I never understood that powerful notion he explained, but as I have grown up the more I comprehend and motivated, honored to be a Navajo. I have had the privilege to meet a few of these heroes, and one sincere statement a Marine Code Talker name Chester Nez said was, "If they need me back, I would go again." Simple men who truly did an unbelievable service, and I want to possess that extraordinary Marine spirit to aid in my duty in and out of the military.

A rapid growing passion I have is to become a teacher on the reservation to help the younger generation to realize their strengths and establish a stronger foundation than I had to help them succeed. I believe the highest accomplishment anybody can have is teaching another human to believe in themselves to be a confident person. However, I must first become confident that I can undertake a heavy responsibility by becoming confident myself; this is where the Naval Academy will teach me. I know the Academy will be mentally and physically draining, but with the spirit of the Twin Warriors and Navajo Code Talkers embedded within my heart as a driving force, "The warrior spirit never dies" I'll fulfill my purpose in life. The entities our generation faces have transformed from the tangible monsters the Twin Warriors fought into complex issues like poverty, inferior education, or alcohol abuse. I believe with the discipline I learn from the Naval Academy and Marine Corps I will be an inspirational figure within my community to show people that dreams are possible. My time to lead my people away from hardship is approaching and I need to be wielded with the best modern weapon possible: education."

chessmeister89 1 / 4 1  
Jan 31, 2014   #2
It's sentimental - but very unorganized. You have the heart, but you just need to put the pieces together. Remember - it emphasizes "well-organized." I feel you have just been rambling on - writing down whatever you feel. We call your type "poetic writers." But, even then, it's a good method of writing, but you have to go back and piece everything together. Sometimes it will require you to delete material.

Take the quotes away from what you want to tell your students. Or, if you want to keep the quotes, bring them closer in. You're not going to tell your students I made it to the top ... and now it's my duty to give them inspiration etc etc. And if you were quoting what you're wanting to say, you wouldn't use "them." You're talking 3rd person. I would just take it away.

You talk a lot of your dreams and aspirations. The academy obviously knows you want to join - but you're not telling them HOW they will help you achieve your goal.

Honestly, I'd scratch the paper. You have the heart, which is what they're wanting. But the naval academy doesn't want your heart, they want what's in your mind. Trust me, I spent 4 years in the Navy. Talk to them directly - don't show emotions. This is what happened, this is why I'm here this is what I'm going to do. Bam - Bam - Bam. I think you're getting too emotional on this paper - which is fine in some cases. But not for the naval academy. They want to see strength. Oh, and 1 more thing, never downgrade yourself - especially in an essay for this school. Shows lack of confidence ("I was not the smartest")
OP Cl0ark0 1 / 10 2  
Jan 31, 2014   #3
I understand and thank you for the input. I typed this up in one night so there's work that needs to be done.
chessmeister89 1 / 4 1  
Jan 31, 2014   #4
Read your essay out loud over 10 times, seriously. Stand in your room by yourself and read your paper. If you don't think it's good, circle it to remind yourself to change it. Read it as if you're reading it to someone else. I've noticed a lot of grammatical errors, comma's need to be put in, run on sentences, etc. etc. I don't believe in rewriting essay's for someone, because in the long run, it doesn't help them.

You need to learn how to write it yourself. But, with that being said, it's better than your initial essay. Keep working on it man, trust me. I see emotion in your paper still, it's not bad to have emotion, but when you say "I hold dear to my heart..." Negative ghost rider. Be more direct. Be strong with this essay. Be firm. Get to the point.

And organize, organize, organize. As I said, they emphasized that for a reason. Your paper seems to jump a bit, but not nearly as much as it did. It should flow, the transition from one subject to another should be smooth. Review my paper. Though it's not a flawless piece of course, I want to show you what I mean by transition: The first paragraph says this this this that etc etc, but my thesis (last sentence), shows what I want out of Ann Arbor - then what do you know, the whole next paragraph talks about competition and what I want out of competition. At the end of my body (main paragraph), the last sentence talks about why i want competition and how it's going to benefit me - because it prepares me for law schools. Then I write a short paragraph about law school; then conclude my essay. It has a flow...

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