Prompt: Discuss how your family's experience or cultural history enriched you or presented you with opportunities or challenges in pursuing your educational goals.
Problems i have with my essasy is often using correct punctuation and knowing when to start a new paragraph.
also i and dissatisfied with how smooth some of the transitions are. please help me with that.
i feel that the second paragraph ends a little abruptly. does anyone else feel this way? and how can i fix it. Thanks everyone for your input.
My great-grandfather was executed after the Communist Party of China defeated the Chinese Nationalist party; succeeding in establishing the People's Republic of China. At the age of twelve, my grandmother was forced to flee her home to survive on her own. Eventually, she married my grandfather, whose family had also gone through very similar situations. My grandparents' combined misfortunes bore my father into an underprivileged life where he was unable to gain admittance into all but a "minority education college" despite his exam scores placing him in the top three of the region. Even now, I still remember these stories my grandmother had told me as a child, filled with the recurring curse "those murdering communist bastards!" But at the same time, due to deep military involvement on my mother's side of the family I had grown up heavily influenced by values of the Chinese Government: My mother, as well as her whole family had served their lives proudly in the Chinese military. Raised with two such contrasting backgrounds, I lost at an early age the "black and white" view of the world and learned to develop my own opinions. My family history foreshadowed my experiences later in life and helped determine how I let them shape me as a person.
In 1998 my parents and I came to America in pursuit of new opportunities for my father and a better future for me. In China, my father was unable to escape the discrimination brought on by his family's past, he was unable to find a sustaining job, or have the education he deserved. At that time, I did not understand it when my mother told me that America was a better place. She was often homesick here and we were quite poor: from the single mattress that was my bed, to the banged-up chairs, the furniture in our basement-level apartment comprised completely of throwaways recovered from the dumpster.
As I reflect back on the person I have become today I realize how much of an impact my family's emigration had on me. Today, my parents and I live comfortably in our very own house and though many of my friends are considered wealthy-families of doctors, professors and international businessman-I carry always the lesson of not looking down on anyone because of their social class. More importantly, going to school here gave me something characteristic of an American education; It nurtured in me a pride for my individuality, an inquiring disposition and a penchant for independent learning. I am certain that had I not attended school here, I would never have been able to discover my talent and passion for art, my skill at acting, nor my appreciation for science. With the openness and critical point of view I gained early on, I was unable to take for granted the diversity I experienced in America. Over the years I made good friends from many different countries such as Albania, Korea, Egypt, Philippines, and India. From each new person I met, I was able to glimpse a unique religion and culture. These friends in turn fostered my interest in languages, and out of it, my dream to travel the world.
From the legacy of my birth to the journey that ensued, I had been constantly evolving. My experiences so far have taught me how to adjust myself to new situations, to not be judgmental, and to be my own person-and I believe I will forever continue to grow since experience is what defines life. College, for me, will be a wonderful new chance to grow. With my education I look forward to learning in order to understand the world and to continue pursuing new knowledge that will challenge my beliefs, new sights that will change the way I see the world, and chances to give back to the world that has given me so much.
I don't really feel that your second paragraph ended very abruptly and I think your punctuation are fine :) Nonetheless, I think you might want to wait for other members and the moderators to help you out..
I like your content and really can feel the change and impact of your various family backgrounds on you :D
All the best!
Hello! When you write a paragraph, it is good to start and finish with the same idea. That wraps it up nicely. So, you begin a paragraph with a sentence about the main idea, then explain for a few sentences, and then restate that main idea in different words, perhaps with a new twist or insight. It can be beautiful.
Hey, I think you don't realize how well you write!!
From the legacy of my birth to the journey ...and chances to give back to the world that has given me so much.
Hey, your paragraphs are good, and so are the grammar and punctuation! However, keep revising for conciseness and cleverness! It will keep on improving.
:)
Overall, a very well-written essay. Some tips:
"he was unable to find a sustaining job," "Sustaining" sounds a bit jarring here.
"the furniture in our basement-level apartment was comprised completely of throwaways recovered from the dumpster. "
"it nurtured in me a pride for my individuality, an inquiring disposition, and a penchant for independent learning" Don't capitalize after a semi-colon. Do use a comma before the "and" that introduces the last item on the list.
