'Water Polo' - Extracurricular Activity

I took bits and pieces from my reading as an extracurricular activity essay and used it for this essay since I could not conclude it efficiently enough, but I did not want to see it go to waste either. I hope that this essay is stronger. Any critique on content, grammar and overall readibility will be greatly appreciated. I will return the favour...

PROMPT: Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below [1000 characters]

I attended the Water Polo (WP) training camp to grease the rusty gears of my technique, but the weeklong camp had other plans for me. I was shot at, submerged, mercilessly laced with laps of various strokes and the eggbeater kick and assigned a strenuous running exercise around and up and down the flights of the stadium. As goalkeeper, I received 'special training,' aka sadistic versions of the eggbeater kick. The training was tough, but I embraced it.

The benefits of WP are not limited to the perimeter of the pool; instead they have extended to all dimensions of my life: my hand-eye coordination and reflexes are sharper and I am more cognizant. WP is more than just a game; it is a means through which I have discovered unchartered territories: the support and comfort of camaraderie, the confidence and responsibility of being Vice Captain, and directing my team both in-and-out of the pool.

At the end of the WP training camp; skill and dexterity returned, passion and drive intensified.

Thanks In Advance!

I was shot at, submerged, mercilessly laced with laps of various strokes and the eggbeater kick and assigned a strenuous running exercise around and up and down the flights of the stadium. This is a run on. Also, I don't know what an eggbeater kick is, so I'm not sure if the admissions staff will either.

The benefits of WP are not limited to the perimeter of the pool; instead they have extended to all dimensions of my life: my hand-eye coordination and reflexes are sharper and I am more cognizant. I don't think it's grammatically correct to use a semicolon and a comma in the same sentence.

Other than that, it's pretty good. A bit typical, but still good.

It looks really good, but I would elaborate more on why the intense nature of the WP camp payed off. I'd also work on your transition between the two paragraphs, it's a little bit awkward. I think that it would be ideal if you could combine the more abstract lesson-y nature of the second paragraph with the concrete examples in the first paragraph because it would ground it a little bit more - right now it is good, but seems slightly generic and cliche. Because the 1000 character essay is incredibly short, it might also be good to condense some of your longer sentences. Hope this helps!

Hi Zhoe! I think that you should cut down your first para and elaborate on your 2nd para. Your 2nd para is the one which shows how water polo really impacted you so focus on that more. Show how the camp changed you. Other than that, I think the essay is not bad! Thanks for your suggestions with mine you've really been a great help!

I see it's one of your well written essays. But I like your essay about books more!

Jonjo

Thank you. I tried to use some of the things from the reading essay, but the Water Polo essay unfortunately just doesn't have the same oomph/pizzazz as the reading one.

Any other comment though? Improvements on how I can make it better?

It will be even stronger if you can narrow down a moment and tell a little story on that.

I think the first paragraph contains sentences that are a bit too long . I love the second paragraph.
However, the ending sentence was forced and ineffective

You should get in just because you play water polo.

I am writing a revised version now, trying to work out the kinks and whatnot.

Rebecca

LOL. You play water polo as well?

YingBin

I was thinking the same thing. Thanks!

Pham

I changed the concluding sentence too. Revising. Thanks!

I like the message of your essay, but I think there are a lot of run on sentences. The voice is intense and interesting though. I think if you just reword some of the sentences this will be a great essay.

yeah you should narrow it down and make it more specific. But generally it's pretty good

George

I did try to narrow it down with the example of the senior/coach's game that I saw. Thanks for the comment.

Mary

Thank you!
I moved the last sentence to under the second paragraph, so hopefully that smooths it out.

Revising.

I think you should concentrate more on the second paragraph

I like this version much better! Way too go Zhoe!

I liked how you described it. I think though that you should make a stronger end.

Just a smallll little addition.

"Water polo is not merely what I do, it is who I am."

Technically you DO do water polo :P. Just seems to make it flow nicer in my opinion ^_^.

Jesse

I originally had that, but I deleted it because the word limit would not allow. But as it turns out I managed to cut down, so I inserted it.

Thanks!!

TKwokHung

I also incorporated some of your edits as well. Thanks for looking at my essay, gonna return the favour.

:)