UC Prompt 2:
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
When I am relaxing on the bow of our motorboat for the first time all summer, I start to feel the nervous excitement beginning to build in my stomach. I know that I am about to experience my favorite hobby. I have been slalom skiing and wakeboarding for many summers now. I started out as an incompetent water-skier unable to emerge from the water. It was through hard work and determination that I managed to stand up on skis for the first time after scores of unsuccessful attempts.
My parents urged me to try water-skiing as young boy. I was very skinny for my age and it was incredibly difficult to stand up on the skis. Our boat would start to move and I would immediately tumble forward. Fighting my pride, I told myself that giving up was not an option. Countless attempts later, I managed to get up on the skis and I realized that my persistence had paid off. My first ride was far from relaxed, but it was still tremendously exciting. I used that same determination and hard work to get up on a wakeboard and shortly after on a slalom ski. A few years later, I am now able to jump and clear the wake on both a slalom ski and wakeboard.
Looking back on my early endeavor with water-skiing, I realize how I have applied hard work and determination to various aspects throughout my life. In my freshman year of high school, I admit that I did not achieve my potential grades. I attributed my low test scores to my math teacher's inability to teach. With one month remaining before school ended, I recognized that I had a chance of getting my first F and decided to buckle down. I ended up getting an A- on the final exam and D semester grade. It was a minor victory because I knew I would still have to make up the class, but I acknowledged the impact of a little effort and vowed to sustain my diligence.
My experience with water-skiing instilled a hard work ethic for me to follow. Now as I spend many hours studying for my AP classes, practicing my soccer, and repeatedly attempting a new water-sports feat, it is mind-boggling how lackadaisical I was in school as a freshman. This past summer as I as I learned how to jump the wake on a slalom ski and wakeboard, I realized how far that day of relentless effort to get up on skis had taken me. I will embody this same spirit of hard work and determination when I go to college and incorporate it throughout the many aspects of my life.
I need all the help I can get. Thank you in advance.
I Think its actually very well written. The organization is great also! I feel like the explanation to the bad grade is an attempt for the UCs to pity you in a sense. I love the idea, but the way it sounds isn't the most appealing. I was excited through out the essay until i got to that part. Fix it or re organize it. Other than that your an excellent writer that would bring a sense of preserverance to any college environment!
If you can take a look at mine and give me your feed back =D
Compound sentences need commas:
I was very skinny for my age, and it was incredibly...
The first sentence about relaxing on the boat may make you seem spoiled and lazy as the first impression given by the essay! I suggest starting with a sentence about the ACTION of skiing.
You are doing well by talking about the discipline from skiing as discipline you use in school. In fact, I think you could do even better if you rewrite this as an essay about your drive to excel in school, but DISGUISE it as an essay about skiing. The struggle to ski and gain mastery could be like a metaphor for your efforts toward self-mastery in school.
Good luck!!
good subject and connection to ur grades. make more variences in ur sentence structure and use more sophistocated, but no flashy, vocabulary to spice it up and keep the reading attent.
