Please feel free to comment on it : )
I am quite concerned about grammatical errors and awkward sentences
pls give me suggestions
Thank you so much. And I'd love to return the favor!
Prompt:
Please provide information which you feel will be of interest to the Admissions Tutors and will help them know you better, e.g. your reasons for applying, the chosen curricula, extra-curricular activities, participation in voluntary work, past working experience, career aspirations and other achievements.
I have always been intrigued by the way humans develop, think, and interact with each other. Thus, my academic interests range widely from social sciences to cognitive science. I have been an active learner-that is, I have sought to acquire knowledge through all possible means. I would ascribe my academic passion to the accessibility of educational resources. By merely listening to lectures (from iTunes U) which are legally offered by universities across the world, I have learned so much and grown so much. The podcasts I listen to are drawn from Psychology, Anthropology, Political Philosophy, and Sociology.
After listening to these podcasts, I stepped out to seek for a hands-on experience. And to my satisfaction, my work experience at [name] Company further kindles my passion for Social Sciences.
Aside from my personal interest in the field of Sociology, I have simultaneously developed a passion for Cognitive Science. I have sought to meet my role model, [name], a national best-selling author in Thailand and an expert in the field of Mind, Brain, and Education. Her books, which feature the theory of Multiple Intelligences developed by Dr. Howard Gardner, have convinced me of my love of brain science. Altogether, my personal interest in Sociology and Cognitive Science makes me eager to learn more about the world.
However, it is [name] concepts that ultimately captivate me. To reinforce my interest, I decided to open up the [name] Club at my school. My [name] Club comprehensively highlights positive psychology, creativity, brain science, and sociology. The members often come up with bizarre ideas, which make sense in the hindsight; thereby demonstrating how such thinking is at work, after all.
It is worth noting that all of these beautiful efforts and discoveries started from the mere accessibility of educational resources. And it is at [name], a place of educational resources and a renowned faculty, that my aspiration to discover more about my academic interests is made possible.
I think this is pretty good. You applied your passion in your community, which all colleges love.
However:
-Take out the specific podcasts because they're a bit random. You could give a specific one and talk about how it has influenced you.
-Take out "so much"
-Take out "(iTunes U)" because it has nothing to do with you.
-"I have learned so much..." It's vague. Give an example.
-How has your work experience "kindled" your passion for Sociology?
-Mind, Brain, and Education are lowercase.
-How has her books inspired your love of brain science?
-Psychology, Anthropology, Political Philosophy, and Sociology are lowercase.
-Give more specifics on how your college will enrich your interests.
Sorry, if it seems critical, but it will all be worth it once you get accepted.
Thank you ! These comments are what I am looking for. They are helpful and straightforward. I will revise my essay now : )
I agree with cephalopod. Also talk about why you developed your interests. THey want to see that you are not just making this stuff up because you want to get in their university. Talk about an experience. Shorten this "I have sought to meet my role model, [name], a national best-selling author in Thailand and an expert in the field of Mind, Brain, and Education. Her books, which feature the theory of Multiple Intelligences developed by Dr. Howard Gardner, have convinced me of my love of brain science. Altogether, my personal interest in Sociology and Cognitive Science makes me eager to learn more about the world." and talk about an experience instead or elaborate on your club. Give them some meat to chew.
Maybe you can say after conducting an experiment in my psychology class, i decided to read the book by so and so in order to further my knowledge on this and that. Show them that you have passion for what you want to study.
Look at mine if you have time please.
This is good! I like how you really emphasize your interests.
Here are a couple of suggestions about how to make your writing more concise:
"By merely listening to lectures (from iTunes U) which are legally offered by universities across the world, I have learned so much and grown so much. The podcasts I listen to are drawn from Psychology, Anthropology, Political Philosophy, and Sociology."
You could combine these two sentences to make something like:
"By listening to lectures from universities across the world, I've learned so much and honed my interests in psychology, anthropology, and sociology."
And also you could try change: " To reinforce my interest, I decided to open up the [name] Club at my school. My [name] Club comprehensively highlights positive psychology, creativity, brain science, and sociology."
to: "In order to pursue to interests, I've started the <name> club at my school where members can discuss and explore <list themes/concepts>
Your themes and main ideas are really solid, but you should try combining sentences or rearranging the structure of your words to make your response flow a little better, but good job overall (:
Thank you! Your suggestions are truly helpful. I will add those now : )
Great essay! You're showing lots about your personality, both directly and sometimes indirectly.
What I would suggest is changing up your sentence structure occasionally. I noticed you're using the "I did this" or "It did that" format a lot, so some variety would make your essay even better than it is now.
Thanks for helping with mine and good luck!
