Here's my answer to UC Prompt #2. I'm having a bit of problem trying to add more depth into the essay.
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
My palms were sweaty, knees weak, arms were heavy. I tried to focus as my master's voice rang through the musky air in the gym. "Just what was I thinking? Putting myself in all this discomfort on a Saturday morning?" I grimly thought to myself. "Aeeyah!!!" a loud "Kiai" rang through the silent air and the blur of a wooden sword came crashing down my cranium. Snapping out of my monotonous idle, I jumped back and felt the rustle of my fringe as the tip of the sword came dangerously close to my head. "Just what do you think you're doing?" my master's voice bellowed. Obviously, I wasn't paying attention as my opponent attacked me, resulting in a near miss and me, stumbling across the parquet flooring.
Welcome to Shinkendo; a traditional martial art in Japanese swordsmanship founded by Mr. Obata Toshishiro, more commonly known as Obata Sensei. I have been involved in this art for five years already.
The art itself embodies the harmony of our mind, soul, body and spirit. It heavily advocates on the harmonization of human beings and nature, and balance of Yin and Yang. Above all, it instills upon the practitioner, a sense of self awareness, constant reflection, discipline and humility.
The grueling and repetitive training was more of a mind over matter issue. One either crumbles under such pressure or move on as a stronger person. Like the rest of the more senior students, I have endured a lot since my very first day at the Dojo. Trainings were held twice a week in a regimental form. Complaints were frequent so were dragging of our half dead bodies back home a weekly "ritual". Yet, albeit these difficulties, I enjoyed and learnt a great deal through this art.
Trainings always ended with a short meditation - to recharge and refresh, but more importantly, it serves as a reflection of the day's seeking. Ironic as it may sound, this is where true learning and understanding of the art and how oneself relates to it. This Zen like training has greatly influenced my outlook and the way I interact with the world around me.
Much as the art always emphasized the importance of seeing beyond the apparent on-coming movements of your sparing partners or opponents, I have learnt how not to judge people merely through rose tinted glasses or succumb them to stereotypes of the society. Seeking to understanding a person as reflected by his/her intent would be one of my guiding principle.
In the context of learning and quest for knowledge, the art of Shinkendo reinforces my understanding and belief that real breakthrough can only be possible with wholesome understanding of the subject fundamentals.
There are many other subtle areas of my life that the principle of this art has touched me. Abstract as it may be, and with a citation from "A Book of Five Rings" - the end point is the beginning, great virtue is simplicity, I have to admit that it has already cast an indelible imprint on me.
My palms were sweaty, knees weak, arms were heavy.
Please refrain from plagiarism. I am pretty sure the above quote is a lyric from Eminem's track from the movie 8 Mile.
Focus on the story more. Do your best to stay away from onomatopoeias. Do less explaining what the sport is about and put more focus on how your interaction with the sport shaped you as a person.
good luck :)
if you can, please comment on my essay too.
Oh yeah, it does sound like a line from the eminem movie! Anyway, I don't think it's exactly the same, so it's alright... unless you rap it, I suppose!
So, I found no errors, but we can improve this:
There are many other subtle areas of my life to which the principle of this art applies. Though originally written about combat, a quote from Musashi's A Book of Five Ringsis universally true: "The end point is the beginning, great virtue is simplicity." These words have already cast an indelible imprint on me.
