If I am wondering whether my essay sucks, that probably means it does. But maybe you guys can help me fix it. I read it over and over again and just don't see how this is going to wow anyone.
What's the best advice you've ever received or given? (500 words)
Another mile walk to the gym on a hot June day. Black squares and white tape composed the net; two 30 x 30 squares on the floor marked the boundaries of the volleyball court. Three hours, three times a day for five days. It was High Performance A1/A2 Training Camp, designed for elite players, some of the best in the state. At the start of each session, the head coach, Blaine Tendler, gave us an inspirational quote. The one that resonated with me most was "If you don't go all the way, why go at all?"
If you have never played volleyball, then you must not know how sore you are after playing for nine hours a day in a gym with no air conditioning. Each day gets harder, because more lactic acid has built up in your muscles. Our legs burned when climbing stairs and even sitting down became uncomfortable. Every inch of me was bruised. Red patches on our skin indicated floor burn. My high school coach once said that you're not a true volleyball player until you have bruised hipbones. Blaine's words reverberated in my head constantly. I chose to ignore the massive amounts of pain I was in and instead focus more on improving myself as a volleyball player. I ran everywhere, never walked, made sure my toes were exactly on the line when Blaine yelled "Corner up!" and if a ball hit the floor, I did too. When I was asked how I was feeling, I would smile and answer "Great!" even though I was dehydrated and felt as if I couldn't take another step. What I think Blaine meant was that you can't achieve the desired result if you don't push yourself as hard as you can all the time, no matter what you're doing. If you don't push yourself, you only hurt yourself by not reaching your full potential.
Blaine's words never left me even after the grueling camp was over. I carried over what I had learned that summer into the realm of academia. They say the first semester of college is the hardest one because no one knows what to expect. I mistakenly thought that what worked for me in high school would work in college as well. I stubbornly chose to ignore resources such as the Academic Resource Center and the library. Simply put, I didn't exert as much effort as I could have and ultimately, did not achieve my goal of getting a 4.0. It was only recently that I learned what it meant to "go all the way." Essentially, a perfectly good opportunity would be wasted if I didn't try harder. My college education was too good an opportunity to waste. I still haven't gotten the 4.0 that I want. Despite my failure to achieve my goal on numerous occasions, determination promises a 4.0 in the semesters to come. Achieving this goal will take more effort than I ever could have imagined which is why next semester I plan to hit the books harder. After all, the books don't hit back.
To me, the ending is disheartening because you say that you carried what you had learned that summer into the realm of academia, but you still haven't reached your goal of a 4.0. I would rewrite the ending - don't lie, but make it more climactic.
I don't like the ending. The whole topic of grades was just a poor choice on my part. I would probably delete the last paragraph, but then I am stuck. Tell me if you like this idea better. I used to swim and I was the slowest one. One of the coaches read us a poem. I forgot the name of it. Anyway the last lines of it were, "often times the man who wins is the man who thinks he can." So that was advice. And then I don't know what to do from there because I go over the 500 word limit. :(
I think that you can keep the same advice but yeah change the topic of it being grades. I'm sure that lesson can apply elsewhere in your life. Also, shorten your second paragraph. Alot of it just to prove that you used the advice during camp and you can do that with alot less words. That should free up some space for you.
If you plan on shortening the first paragraph, then have this portion:
"If you have never played volleyball, then you must not know how sore you are after playing for nine hours a day in a gym with no air conditioning. Each day gets harder, because more lactic acid has built up in your muscles. Our legs burned when climbing stairs and even sitting down became uncomfortable. Every inch of me was bruised. Red patches on our skin indicated floor burn."
lead into the quote "If you don't go all the way, why go at all?"
I think that preserves the essence of the 2nd paragraph and gives a lot more room to talk about something else
Did the introduction draw your attention?
The introduction draws your attention.
I think if you start off with the quote, the beginning will immediately pop out at the reader (but that's just my opinion).
Well I put the quote in the intro.
