I'm in real need of helpand the deadline is pretty close. I'm open to any suggestions to improve my essay.
Prompt: Tell us something about yourself or your interests that we wouldn't learn by looking at the rest of your application materials. (While you should still pay attention to sentence structure and grammar, your response is meant as a way for us to get to know you, rather than a formal essay.)
I always wear a purple hat. Not because I want to look like a clown, but rather so I can stand out and not be taken too seriously. This is necessary as I am an introvert, and few of my classmates have seen me talk. My hat is purple and shiny, with blue stripes running along the sides. Not because I have no taste, but because they bring out my personality.
This year I was among the ten students nominated for student leader. Problem is it requires speaking in public, I'm far from this and only someone with a pink hat can do this. Although scared, I accepted the challenge, with the thoughts that someday my purple hat will become pink and glow in midst of millions.
I remember the first day I had to give announcements in front of the entire school, I felt my purple hat changing pink, I felt a strip of confidence in my guts, and my light came shining through. Slowly and steadily, I've been building up my confidence and my purple hat now shines bright with the pink stripes.
I've being doing exceptionally well as a senior prefect and I've even joined other activities to explore my inner being. I have many hobbies, and some of them even interest me. I have being singing, travelling widely, both in and outside of the country.
I still wear my purple hat except I now polish it, still an introvert but an introvert with value. Now, I'm only shy at the right time and loud at the right time fixed upon doing nothing but the best, and my inward personality has never ceased.
Its a bit above limit, can you please edit the irrelvant things, do you also think my personality shines through. Does it answer the prompt? Thanks for your help.
as a senior prefect and
not sure what you meant here? perfect?
and my inward personality has never ceased.
use
but instead of
andProblem is it requires speaking in public, I'm far from this and only someone with a pink hat can do this.
The problem was it required public speaking and I'm far from that; only someone with a pink hat could do thatI still wear my purple hat except I now polish it, still an introvert but an introvert with value.
I still wear my purple hat but now it is polished as I am, an introvert with (value) try using a different word there
hope my suggestions help!
I like the creativity you put into this, they'll definitely like that!
good job and good luck!
can you please help me with my duke and stanford ones! :)
Thank you very much Muzna, I checked your essay already. Senior prefect in my school is a leadership position only the top ten students earn. I'm international student and I don't know what post will be equivalent to that in the US. If you know can you please tell me. Thank you for the edits, I will take them into considertaion.
I loved how creative you were with this essay :) Your choice of words were great, and the topic itself was so unique. Honestly, I guarantee your essay will stand out amongst the others.
Good luck :)
If you have the time, can you please take a quick look at my short essay for the Common App? Thank you :)
Thank you so much ambika I checked your essay already. Hope i helped.
i love your essay! That's very good:)
thank you for your reading my essay!
Good job on your essay! I really liked how you revolved your story around the purple hat and your introversion. However, you really have to expand on the pink & purple hat in this essay. The reader will really want to know what it means to you. I made some changes above, but you don't have to follow them as they are just recommendations.
Good luck! Thanks for checking out my essay and it would be great if you can look over them again :)
omo5031:
as a senior prefect and
not sure what you meant here? perfect?
Prefect is great wording actually. You definitely should use it. I go to a prep school in PA, and we have prefects (although a different type of prefect) here. So no worries.
I think the hat thing is really cool and I understand the meaning behind it better now. However, I don't know if it's just me, but when I read this version the first time, I kept forgeting about your symbolism of the color of the hat. It's probably just me though. I fixed some errors you still had as well. Other than that it all sounds good to me, and thanks for the advice you gave me. I changed some things on my supplement, so it'd be nice if you could look at it again before the night's over with.
Wow! I loved this essay. I liked how you described you purple hat as your personalility and then started using different colors to show how you felt at the time when you standing in front of the school. Brilliant!
This is perfect. Much better than the version that I edited. Great job! One thing I'm kind of left pondering though, where did you get that idea purple defines "dignity and calmness"? You may want to say where you got that from, along with the definition of orange, or the reader may be wondering just like I did. However, everything is good. There are no grammatical errors (as far as I can see) and it flows perfectly. Great job!
Please take a look at my other essay if you can :) Thanks!
Great essay, but to me the last sentence does not flow perfectly:
I do not think you need the only in front of shy,
and if you are still shy sometimes, it is no contradiction (but) that your inward personality has never ceased.
Just my thoughts though. See if they make sense to you.
By the way I would be honored if you could take a look at my revised sadness essay.
Max, thanks for checking my essay. Do you think I should use 'and' instead of 'but'. I will look at your essay right away.
Now, I'm only shy at the right time and loud at the right time , fixed upon doing nothing but the best, and my inward personality has never ceased.
Thanks for checking out my essay, however: where exactly does the middle begin?
I agree with deremifri about the last sentence. I'm also unsure of what you mean by "inward personality." I like the idea of the hat though--maybe more descriptive words would also help.
I agree that more description would help the essay and get your point across.
@Erica and Galina, I was thinking about that too, but as it is I'm above word limit and I'm not sure how to give descriptions without going way above llimit. If you have any suggestions can you please tell me. Your help is greatly appreciated.
I'm really grateful to everyone who has helped.
Good luck everyone:)
Hey omo5031,
Let me know after your revision/before submission and I'll peer edit it again if you still need it!
thank you so much Thomas, I already submitted the essay before I was this. It was due yesterday.
Thanks again:)
