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'I wear a scarf' - University of Michigan: your community and your place in it

nina2 1 / 5  
Jun 10, 2012   #1
it is the feeling that i do for my community that makes the person who I am. welcome to the city of Dearborn. it is a place where there is a diverse i everything all around. in my community, everyone is in a comfort zone, and freely able to express who they are.Muslims,christians,hindus, etc, may all have different features and different cultures, but he community with in is what engages everyone together. so, what makes my community unique from other communities? it is the pride and diversity that everyone is willing to take and having the courage to accept everyone for who they are.

it is hard enough for me to determine which community i belong to. As an Arab American, i live in a community where i am committed to everything around me. As a student helper at an elementary school, i look up to my passed teachers and the encouragement they have granted me. i look back to the kids and think to how i was and the things that have built me. it is so interesting to see how the community is so ambiguous, and yet the kinship that we all share allows me to be inspired, to motivate and to be motivated, all at once.

i am not ashamed because i wear a scarf nor because i am a muslim. i also took part in helping clean at the beach with some of my classmates in school. i decided to help my community become a cleaner place and benefit for myself. it was a great feeling that helped me collaborate with other people from all around the community from different territories, religion, and race. i want to become part of a commnunity where i am a leader, a teacher, a contributor, and a community leader. that community is the University of michigan.

IELTSPT 2 / 5  
Jun 10, 2012   #2
Hi nina2, I'm not so fluent in english to help you on this matter but I'll try!

I think you have to correct your common typo (wrong written words). Do you use any computer application to write your documents (such as MS Oficce Word or any other) with a grammar and spell verifier? If yes, try to use it and abuse it, It's a geat help to correct your mistakes If not, try to use the google translator. It is a powerfull tool!

I hope I've been helpful!
OP nina2 1 / 5  
Jun 10, 2012   #3
thank you Hugo!
i will fix he grammar but is it overall in general good,okay,or eeh?
IELTSPT 2 / 5  
Jun 10, 2012   #4
It seems to me that your essay is great. However, I don't know how your essay is evaluated. I'm only focused on IELTS structure and I'm aware of any other kind of enlgish test.

Nevertheless, as I said before, I think you have achieved your task achievement.Try to think more and use more linking words to improve the cohesions of the text.

Tip: don't forget that you write the first person 'I' with capital word ;)
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Jun 11, 2012   #5

I wish to request you to avoid sms typing in your threads on EF forum. Here it is more serious and formal writing and we all have got to respect that. I tried to give my comments on your writing but found it is difficult to follow. :(

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