So this is the question...
Consider the world within. Taste in music, food, and clothing can make a statement while politics, sports, religion, and ethnicity are often defining attributes. Are you a vegetarian? A poet? Do you prefer YouTube or test tubes, Mac or PC? Are you the drummer in an all-girl rock band? Do you tinker? Use the richness of your identity to frame your personal outlook. (200-250 words)
This is my response...
For you to truly understand who I am, you first have to understand the weird little things that define me. I'm a quirky, eccentric nerd that prays my awkward humor will be seen as "charming" instead of "crazy," which is probably more accurate. I embarrass myself on a daily basis with situations like responding to the movie clerk's "Enjoy your movie" with a "You too." If I trip while walking I pretend that I was actually starting a light jog. I am guilty of drowning my food in condiments, and I hate people with different versions of the snarky comment, "You want some french fries with that ketchup?" I'm only a feminist when it's convenient, because when it comes to shoveling snow my response will always be, "But that's a boy job!" Though, of course I'm the first person to speak out in disgust about gender stereotypes; I know I'm a hypocrite. The thing is, I start far too many sentences with the phrase "The thing is..." and its even infected my friends' vocabularies. I firmly believe in the following: People should never wear leggings as pants, if your pockets are hanging out the bottom of your shorts, the shorts are too short, girls should always get a lighter shade of concealer to avoid the "Nutella as cover-up" look, and if you have to start a sentence with "No offense, but..." you just shouldn't finish the sentence. So as uncomfortable as reading this paragraph probably was, this is how I think. And with this glimpse into my mind, I hope you can see the "charmingly original" person that I am... or the crazy person, you decide.
Feedback would be great! Am I completely off or is this a good start? Edits for grammar would be awesome too!
Katie
OMG, I LOVE your essay!! It's so daring and risky too which I find very bold of you, though I am not sure how well received this essay will be. I love your humour and I daresay I see the charm to you, fascinating and real tidbits about yourself shone deliriously through and it was an absolute pleasure to read as well. But maybe I identify because I agree with so much things, loved the feminist part, because I too complain when I have to do anything arduous, saying your a hypocrite might come off too strong, maybe "I know a bit hypocritical of me" instead, because your statement is rather absolute and might give the impression that your hypocritical in ALL areas of your life and that is something you don't want. I hope that being as brutally honest as you were helps you - I think its a redeeming quality, which given the right admissions reader, they may also agree. Overall EXCELLENT.
I really like the ending, and the tone of your writing. Maybe rephrase the second last sentence, "So as uncomfortable as reading this paragraph probably was". I dunno why maybe its because I wasn't that uncomfortable reading it, it sounds natural. Maybe the part where you call yourself a nerd, like labeling yourself. Maybe instead say, "what other people could call a nerd, with the awkward humor". I also like the "the thing is" idea. Its funny, charmingly.
I love it too!!!!!!!!I think it's perfect!
BTW,
"You too."
,I also like say this and I feel myself weird too~~~
Good luck!
Thank you guys so much! I'm hoping my "unconventional" response will work in my favor. Can someone edit for grammar because sometimes I get crazy with comas and I don't want any minor errors in it. Thanks again!
This is an AMAZING ESSAY!!! You sound a lot like me--quirky and funny; except you obviously know how to showcase your personality well through writing, which I something struggle with. Gramatically, I would just say that in the first sentence, "I'm a quirky, eccentric nerd that", 'that' should be changed to 'who'. Otherwise, great job!! :)
I'm a quirky, eccentric nerd that prays my awkward humor will be seen as "charming" instead of "crazy,"which is probably more accurate .
The last phrase, while grammatically correct, makes the sentence kind of awkward. I'm not sure you even need it, because I think the previous part of the sentence implies it. But if you really want to add it, I'd suggest something like "...will be seen as 'charming' instead of the more apt 'crazy'"
Overall, I loved your essay! You definitely conveyed your uniqueness and your voice is light-hearted and fun! Good luck on getting in (even though I don't think you'll need it)!
Mind looking at one of my essays, if you can?
