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"Welcome to the Jincai Law Club" UIUC prompt 2: describe an experience


xujunjiejack 4 / 7  
Nov 30, 2013   #1
Please feel free to comment on the content and the verbal expression. Thanks.

Tell us about one interest or experience of yours that allows us to get to know you better as an individual. Please limit your response to approximately 300 words.

'Welcome to the Jincai Law Club. In this new spring semester, we are gonna discuss some cases experience how to be a judge. I promise you will have a good time." In a confident voice, I started the first club activity after I was elected the leader of the law club, which had 12 members.

"Student club" is a feature in my high school. All these student clubs are only established and run by students. Therefore, the club leader becomes an important role, who takes charge of the club.

Honestly, after I took over the club, I felt some invisible pressure around me. As a leader, I wanted my law club to be filled with the idea and laugh. Therefore, from the discussion about cases to mock trial, from a lecture given by a teacher to enjoying a movie, I tried to be innovative and changed the content of the weekly activities. However, all those plans cost my time. I used my little leisure time to read books about judicial system, search the information and discuss with my club members and the former leader. Once, because of my heavy study pressure, I had an idea of quitting, but my promise in my first class stopped. I knew promises should obey.

The position of a club leader means burden but also more to me. The discussion with my club members brought me the pleasure of changing thoughts; my preparation for the activities stimulated me to gain more knowledge ; my constantly speaking in front of club members also leads my speaking ability into a new level. Furthermore, I regarded the club as a family, and thus nothing is more enjoyable than witnessing my own club' progress. To me, this sense of success can never be substituted by any other experience.

skriptkid 3 / 7 1  
Dec 8, 2013   #2
Hello xujunjiejack! I feel some content would be better if changed.

1.

we are gonna discuss some cases experience how to be a judge.

we are going to discuss some cases to experience being a judge.

2.

"Student club" is a feature in my high school. All these student clubs are only established and run by students. Therefore, the club leader becomes an important role, who takes charge of the club.

I don't think this is really necessary. The admission officers know what student clubs are and how they work. Save the precious words for something else.

3.

Honestly, after I took over the club, I felt some invisible pressure around me.

The moment I had taken over as the president of club...

4.

the idea and laugh.

Filled with ideas and laughter

5.

I had an idea of quitting, but my promise in my first class stopped. I knew promises should obey.

I thought of quitting, but the promise in my first class that I wouldn't stopped me, because promises shouldn't be broken.

The discussion with my club members brought me the pleasure of changing thoughts; my preparation for the activities stimulated me to gain more knowledge ; my constantly speaking in front of club members also leads my speaking ability into a new level.

Use commas instead of semi-colons.

Hope this helped! :) Sorry if I've made any mistakes. I'm not a native English speaker.
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Dec 10, 2013   #3
we are gonna discuss some cases experience how to be a judge.

In a confident voice, I started the first club activity after I was elected the leader of the law club, which had 12 members.

In a confident tone, I began to explain other about our first club activity as the newly elected leader of the law club that comprised of twelve members.

"Student club" is a feature in my high school.

"Student clubs" are a highly regarded feature in my high school.

All these student clubs are only established and run by students.

All such clubs are formed, run and managed by students themselves.
OP xujunjiejack 4 / 7  
Dec 10, 2013   #4
Thanks for all your help. I'll take your advice.


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