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"be a more well rounded individual" - reasons for transferring, objectives to achieve


jseays 1 / 1  
Oct 24, 2010   #1
One reason why I would like to transfer to NYU is I am moving to New York and I would like to find a school that is prestigious and will enhance me and help me excel in life. NYU is one of the best schools in the country and if I went there I know that I would be a more well rounded individual which will allow me to help my community in Miami and amend me into a well rounded strong individual. If what everyone says about NYU is true, transferring to NYU would challenge me in a positive way. There is a burning desire inside my soul to attend an institution that would oblige more dedication, diligence, and determination from me and I know that NYU satiates it.

One objective that I have is to allow NYU to transform me into a strong, assiduous, dedicated, and brilliant person. Many of the students at NYU are going to become influential people and I want to build a relationship with them and have a network comprised of future dignitaries so that I can help me and my community in Miami ameliorate. NYU has a tremendous business program that is sets it apart from other universities and I would like to be apart of it so that I can enhance my business sense and have a better understanding of the business and economic world. The thing that I want most from NYU is for it to help me make me and my community incredible.

sasasa 1 / 3  
Oct 24, 2010   #2
Good luck, I'm applying there as well.

This is my opinion:

At times it seems like you're just doing too many adjectives for no reason (first line of second paragraph, last line of first although that is "cute" alliteration). Just be yourself and don't try to force how NYU is so great. There might be some redundancies as well. Last sentence needs to change, "incredible" is probably not the way to end.

I don't really know, but that's what I think.
OP jseays 1 / 1  
Oct 25, 2010   #3
thank you so much!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Oct 30, 2010   #4
One reason why I would like to transfer to NYU is I am moving to New York and I would like to find a school that is prestigious and will enhance me and help me excel in life.

Very vague and nonspecific. Let's try to come up with a better intro sentence! This one is boring, and it is not very impressive.

As I keep reading, it remains vague and abstract: One objective that I have is to allow NYU to transform me into a strong, assiduous, dedicated, and brilliant person.

I hope you will rewrite this in a way that shows how you are conducting research about a particular field you intend to enter. I think you should read a professional journal article by using Google Scholar, and this will enable you to write real ideas about your chosen field. Tell them your intentions. Learn about recent research topics in your chosen field, and see what related research is being done at this school! :-)

Good luck!!


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