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Why Wellesley supplement-- women in my country

Techniquelor 1 / 3  
Jan 14, 2010   #1
Tell me if any unnecessary sentences disrupt the flow and need to be cut.

Please limit your response to two well-developed paragraphs.

'When choosing a college, you are choosing an intellectual community and a place where you believe that you can live, learn, and flourish. To this end, the Board of Admission is interested in knowing your reasons for applying to Wellesley College and how Wellesley will help you to realize your personal and academic goals.'

The realization often hits me like a sudden wave, knocking me off my feet: I have grown and evolved at a faster rate than my society. While I watched movies about single mothers and read novels about emancipated women, most families in my community looked for rich successful suitors to support their daughters, upon reaching adulthood. The idea of an independent woman--working outside home, supporting herself and her family, without relying on a man--has still not been widely adopted. In my third-world country, gender equality has still not been firmly established. I constantly needed to prove my worth in a world where boys were generally expected to be superior in math and girls were meant to be soft-spoken. Instead of allowing my daunting surroundings to belittle my spirit(s?), I strived to let my ambitions challenge these conservative conventions. I longed for an environment where women would be influential leaders, not bored housewives. I wished for the day a woman would be greeted not by a man's wolf-whistles and catcalls, but with a respectful nod or a firm handshake.

I have discovered Wellesley to be the ideal place for me to live, learn and grow, because it offers me the opportunity to surround myself with the most ambitious, talented and unique women from all over the world. It is the place that I have always dreamed of--a place where I would be judged not by my gender, but by the content of my character and the extent of my abilities. By exploring Wellesley's liberal curriculum and connections to other prestigious institutions, such as MIT, I could develop my inherent skills, cultivate my passions and discover new interests. Its amazing research opportunities and science faculty would aid me greatly to nurture my interest in the physical sciences. Wellesley's commitment to diversity and assistance to international students will expose me to new ideas and enable me to express my Bengali culture openly (at the Wellesley Association for South Asian Cultures). As I am from a highly selective school, I would be perfectly compatible with the small interactive classes and the close-knit campus community. At Wellesley, I could explore the dynamic city of Boston, pursue a plethora of activities, enjoy close relationships with my professors and form lasting friendships with my peers. By transcending the boundaries of gender-bias I have grown up within, I hope to attain the freedom I crave and thrive in a community of diverse, intellectual women. Instead of drowning under(or in?) the suppression, I shall keep my head above the water and ride the wave.

Is it too long? Any suggestions/criticisms will be much appreciated! Thank you for your help :)
salaa - / 1  
Jan 14, 2010   #2
Truthfullly, i think its pretty good. Maybe i would delete the question but its pretty awesome!
OP Techniquelor 1 / 3  
Jan 14, 2010   #3
Thanks, but What questions? I put in a couple italicised questions to get feedback from the readers, when I was not sure about a word.

Anyone have any suggestions??
diodotusX 3 / 19  
Jan 15, 2010   #4

As I read the first line, I was greeted with the hopes of a genuine, interesting and well-written essay. Well, I can say that I think it's well-written. You don't need to worry about that.

What I'm not feeling is a sense of genuineness. I think anybody could have said what you just said, mainly in your second paragraph where you start listing things about the college that they already know. Yeah, you connect it to yourself somewhat, but it's not concrete or specific. The biggest issue is I didn't take away anything from this that told me who you were. It wasn't a [i]memorable[i]essay. What you want to do is to be able to have the adcomm pick out your essay from a mess of others. To be able to have he or she say "Oh yeah, that essay. That's ____'s essay."

Your strong point is the clarity of the sentences and the structuring of the writing. It's good writing. My only comment against it, would be that it lacks a style or voice. It sounds very generic, while being well-written. Again, this can be remedied by using concrete details. Being specific. Bringing yourself into the work. Your personality being the voice of the words and your own experiences (in other words, concrete details) being the strength behind them. You know what I mean?

If your stressed for time and there's not much to make significant changes, I'd go ahead and submit. It'll at least show you can write clearly and can structure your thoughts.

Good stuff.

OP Techniquelor 1 / 3  
Jan 15, 2010   #5
Thanks A LOT Andrew! Great suggestions. I'll try to implement them now best as I can, though I'm a little short of time :(

I really appreciate your help, thanks again.

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