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Essay for Westpoint Humble Beginnings

srthornton 1 / -  
Apr 22, 2018   #1

lessons that define who I am as a person

Many lessons have been instilled in me throughout my life, lessons that define who I am as a person. One lesson is that success comes many times from humble beginnings . My grandmother was born in Velletri, Italy, in 1930 and lived through starvation and constant threat of death under German occupation.. Caught up in a conflict she knew nothing about, she witnessed the deaths of her relatives, and the constant bombardment of her hometown. Through a act of bravery, her and her family crept across the German lines to Anzio beach, and the safety of the American front. They were greeted with welcome arms, and soon after she moved to America where she married my grandfather, an American soldier at the time. She then raised four children, my father included, in an old GI barracks with no running water or electricity, living on pennies a day. She worked in factories, as well as helping to build their house, transforming the wooded lot in which they lived into a lush country villa, living there to this day in comfort. My father started working at the age of thirteen in the tobacco fields of rural North Carolina, balancing this with his job as a waiter at a seafood restaurant at fourteen. With no aspirations and no money, my father was taken to a military recruiter at 18. He served in the army, and used the money he earned to pay his own way through college, the first and only one in his family to ever go. He continued to serve twenty six years in the army and national guard, flying Apache helicopters. These stories inspired me deeply throughout my life, instilling an overall theme that nothing is impossible through hard work and dedication. My family rose from nothing to become who they are today through a love and dedication for this country. I carry this love and dedication every day through all I do. I used this spirit to join the marching band, becoming a leader of my section and proudly representing my school. I also pursued my athletic goals by joining the wrestling team sophomore year, wrestling varsity that same year. Becoming a wrestler taught me to respect hard work even more, breaking me down and building me up stronger and more diligent.One of my proudest moments was being inducted into the National Honors Society, as well as the Tri-M Music Honors society. All of these things in my life were highlighted by the love I have for my country. America has given me and my family everything, and I owe everything to past Americans whose sacrifices have given me freedom and liberty from tyranny. It would be an honor and a privilege to attend The United States Military Academy at West Point, a culmination of my duty to a higher cause.

This is all I have so far, It would be great if I could get some feedback on it, thanks!

Holt - / 7,529 2001  
Apr 23, 2018   #2
Sean, I learned a tremendous amount of information about your grandmother and your father in this essay, but I learned very little about you. The life story of your relatives are indeed learning inspirations for you, but these lessons do not define who you are as a person. There are no lessons in here that help to explain who you are and why you became that way. These stories only tell me about your background, who your family members are, and what lessons you learned from their experience. There is nothing in the stories that you told which would help to convince the reader that your life experiences have helped you to develop into West Point material. What is it about your life and experiences that created discipline, a sense of patriotism, and a desire to serve the nation? These stories only tell the reader how the same traits developed in your ancestors, it does not tell me how you continued the tradition by developing your own character building experiences that can relate to the motto of West Point. Prove you are West Point material beyond the experience of your relatives. You will need to write a new essay in order to do that. Your personal experience isn't enough. You only listed accomplishments but these don't really help to define who you are in the sense of West Point expectations.

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